


sapphire stones

by bratzhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Childhood Friends, Flower Language, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Princes, Really a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21962365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratzhyuck/pseuds/bratzhyuck
Summary: 1749, Joseon Era, South Korea"The prince, Lee Jeno."Donghyuck gulped.He felt his whole world turn faster and faster, until it all came crashing to the ground. He could hear everyone’s screams of joy, the chants of the prince’s name in the crowd getting louder and louder as footsteps got closer and closer to him.Jeno was back.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 19
Kudos: 89





	sapphire stones

**Author's Note:**

> i both love and hate myself for this one
> 
> au where 2 royal families live together but one is more important than the other, rules the country etc they're not related either they're just.. there ok it doesn't make sense but it was too late to change it
> 
> enjoy nohyuck as royalty <3

_1739, Joseon Era, South Korea_

The gardens of the castle were the biggest, the most beautiful, the most magnificent gardens of the country. There were numerous flowers of all types whom the majority was unknown to the commonalty, huge marble fountains pouring crystal clear water surrounded by towering green trees and never-ending alleys that turned the gardens into mazes. 

They were extremely popular amongst the people despite being forbidden to the public; their reputation came from the few people that had the chance to see them in person such as the people who worked at the castle before they retired or the rare delivery men who had been allowed inside. Otherwise, it was all rumors from the high-placed people who mentionned them during their dinners and their workers who stealthily took advantage of their job to eavesdrop on the conversation and then tried to recount what they had heard the best they could to their friends, who proceeded to do the same with their co-workers and so on. 

However, the most amazing stories always came from the gardeners, the ones who had worked there, who had taken care of the flowers themselves and walked down these alleys countless times. They described the gardens as a mysterious place that dragged you in immediatly; they talked about the plants as if they were different from any other you could see in the country, more vibrant, more colorful. They were attentive to the smallest details, the serene sound of the water flowing in the multiple ponds, the delicate water lilies floating at the surface and the tiny dragonflies strolling around. They said the wind was fresher there, it blowed gently in your hair and whistled for you. The flowers never faded. Everything about this place was like a dream.

  
"Donghyuck where are you- Don’t run!"

Donghyuck couldn’t hear the voice of his instructor, or he chose to ignore it, as he speeded through the alleys of the garden, his little feet taking big steps on the gravelly ground. He tripped on a pebble at some point and almost fell in a bush but he regained his balance quickly and kept on running, faster and faster. He didn’t have to look back to know that his instructor was shaking his head in disapproval but he also knew he wouldn’t tell his parents anything, so he let a small laugh escape his mouth. 

The instructor, Mr. Han, was an old man that had been around since long before Donghyuck’s birth as he had also been his father’s instructor. His grey hair, beard and his wrinkles —even if Mr. Han would never have admitted they existed— were the only hints of his age: his eyes were as mischievious and playful as Donghyuck’s and his tall, skinny frame made him look like a sly dragon, always slithering around. Mr. Han was the funniest man Donghyuck knew of that worked in the castle so he wondered how his father could have turned into the man he was with such a fun person instructor. 

They were going to the calligraphy room for the boy’s daily lesson when Donghyuck had suddenly started to run away with only a hurried 'sorry!' aimed at his instructor. Mr. Han would have been mad —rather alarmed but he would never tell the kid that he was actuallyworried about him— if it was the first time, except it wasn’t. Donghyuck did the same thing almost every day and at first, the old man ran after him, but he had quickly understood that it was no use. 

Donghyuck was still running, turning at every right corners, knowing the way to his destination by heart now. The first times, he used to end up lost for some minutes, trying to figure out where he was in his own gardens, but he had gotten the hang of it easily after. He had to cross the whole garden and he was always panting by the time he arrived to the little window hidden behind the castle, but he couldn’t care less. 

It was always the same act once he finally was in front of the window. He knocked twice with his little fist, even if he knew that it never worked. Then, he whispered, 'Jeno, Jeno!' while throwing excited glances around him. 'It’s me Jeno, open up!'

That was when tiny but fast footsteps could be heard on the other side of the window. Then, there was the sound of a chair being dragged and a little head perked up from behind the heavy blue curtains. His gaze always looked afraid, but the second he locked eyes with Donghyuck, a bright smile appeared on his face and he pushed the curtains on the side before opening the window and letting the outside’s breeze as well as Donghyuck’s laughter enter his world. 

It happened all the same this time too. Donghyuck let out a small giggle and hissed himself up on his forearms on the window sill with his feet swinging in the air, centimeters away from the ground. Jeno was standing on his knees on the usual red velvet cushion of the chair and breathed out a soft 'hi'.

Donghyuck returned his greeting and took a moment to look at his friend. His hair was the usual black matching with his own but he was wearing a robe Donghyuck had never seen before on the other—which was quite exceptional since Jeno didn't have plenty of clothes and Donghyuck had seen everything already. It was a deep blue, adorned with tiny gold details on the seams and sleeves, probably the most beautiful robe Jeno ever wore. 

Donghyuck chuckled a bit at the sleeves that were way too big for Jeno as his hands were nowhere to be found under the fabric. He guessed the whole robe was too big for his friend and leaned over the window to take a look; he guessed right, the clothe was almost hanging on the floor and overall looked far too big on Jeno’s small body and frail shoulders. The boy noticed his friend laughing at him and hit his forearm as his own face became red. 

"I’ll push you if you make fun of me." Jeno threatened trying to look intimidating, but he obviously failed as Donghyuck’s laughter grew louder.

"Stop, stop, I’m sorry!" Donghyuck laughed when the other indeed tried to push him. "Come on, we’ve wasted too much time already."

Donghyuck fell on his feet and held out his hand to help Jeno. The jump wasn’t very big (it wasn’t at all, the window was literally one meter from the ground) but Donghyuck knew his friend was always a bit afraid despite having done it countless times. This time again, Jeno took the hand offered and held it tight before jumping on the ground. 

The same thing happened everytime.

"What if we get caught?" Jeno said anxiously, tightening his grip on Donghyuck’s hand who was already starting to walk away.

"We won’t, there’s no one on this side of the garden at this time and if Mr. Han sees us, he won’t say a word." Donghyuck said, his answer always the same. He could have felt annoyed after all these weeks, for always having to comfort his friend with the same words, but he didn’t. If he’d had to repeat them everyday for his whole life, he would have, if that meant the boy could stay by his side forever and stop being afraid . Jeno looked at him with eyes Donghyuck wished he’d never have to see again harder everyday and pressed Donghyuck’s hand in his own. The slightly younger boy rubbed his tumb on his friend’s hand, "Trust me?"

And everytime, Jeno nodded with a smile before following Donghyuck.

Donghyuck never understood why his best friend was imprisonned in this little room, hidden from everyone. His 'gilded cage', Jeno called it. Donghyuck didn’t know what that meant. He could not get the deeper meaning behind these words and Jeno’s sad eyes everytime they talked about it, but he could see the slight grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes grow darker and weaker with each day passing. 

He had tried asking his instructor once, but the old man had just looked around anxiously and told Donghyuck not to talk about such things so carelessly. Donghyuck had crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. 

But Jeno would not tell him anyhing. Donghyuck never asked him directly of course, dropping subtle questions here and there instead that Jeno avoided toroughly everytime, until one day Donghyuck felt especially chatty and finally asked Jeno as they were looking at sunflowers.

"Why can’t you ever go out?"

Jeno was crounching down on one of the stones that allowed people to cross the creek separating the two parts of the garden, the one with the tremendous castle where Donghyuck, his parents, the rest of the royal family and everyone who worked for them lived, and the one with the gate, the guards watching it and the outside world’s noise. 

Jeno was busy looking very carefully at a tiny blue flower, hiding among the giant sunflowers. It had pretty blue leaning towards purple petals and a little yellow heart that looked like a flower itself. It was alone and much smaller than the other flowers but it was also turned toward the sun, as if chasing its rays and warmth. 

When he heard Donghyuck’s voice coming from the shore behind him where Donghyuck was standing and watching the back of Jeno’s head, his whole body tensed and the feeling reminded him of the first time Donghyuck’s instructor caught them running in the gardens. When Jeno had met the old man’s eyes, he’d immediatly stopped running, his smile had faded too and he had not been able to do anything but watch in horror as Donghyuck had bumped straight into the tall man’s legs. Jeno had thought it would be the last day he'd see daylight but to his great surprise, Donghyuck had grabbed the man’s wrist and begun jumping excitedly, gushing about his new friend to his instructor. Jeno had grinned weakly, not missing the glimpse of concern behind the man’s smiling eyes. 

Jeno had learnt over time to not get nervous when he saw Mr. Han because despite Donghyuck reassuring him countless times that the man was harmless and would never betray their trust to keep their secret, he still feared the man would let it slip one day, and that day would surely be Jeno’s last. At least with Donghyuck.

Jeno’s heart felt calmer and calmer with every day, especially when Mr. Han’s smile was so nice and comforting, but he could not stop feeling uncomfortable whenever Donghyuck started being curious and the questions flowed out of his mouth like the creek’s water flowed out of the dragon-shaped fountain near Jeno’s window. 

Donghyuck didn’t mean wrong, he never did, even when he made Jeno’s heartbeat fasten until he could hear it pound in his ears, because when he looked over his shoulder, his friend wasn’t even looking at him but at a vine climbing up a wall at the opposite side of the garden instead. He seemed like he wasn’t paying attention so Jeno thought he could avoid the question but he was too awkward to be able to change the topic of the conversation smoothly, so he decided not to answer, hoping his friend’s short attention span could get him out of this situation.

However, the seconds that followed Jeno’s too long to be normal silence, he heard light but swift footsteps, one, then two and three before Donghyuck was crounching down next to Jeno and wrapping his arms around his knees. He tilted his head and made his characteristic smile, the one with his lips firmly closed and only the corners lifted up making him look like a doll, or a wooden animal. 

Jeno practically lost balance at the sudden proximity but Donghyuck let out a small laugh before catching him by the elbow to stop him from falling in the water and bring him closer to him on the now cramped stone. His friend was looking expectandly at him and he was almost expecting something too, as if Donghyuck would give him answers he didn’t have to questions he couldn't quite grasp.

Jeno wanted to tell him a lot of things, truths and secrets, but above all he wanted to tell him about how he felt because he wasn’t sure it was a normal thing to feel as a little boy. He had no one to talk to except Donghyuck, but he remembered the warning words Mr. Han had whispered to him when Donghyuck had gotten distracted by a white butterfly flying around when they first met so Jeno closed his mouth, swallowed the lump in his throat and flashed a smile at Donghyuck. Jeno wasn’t allowed to say anything to Donghyuck and even if he was, he couldn’t inflict that to him. The burden was heavy enough on Jeno’s shoulders alone, Donghyuck didn’t need any of that. 

Jeno was thinking of what to answer so Donghyuck would drop the subject but before he could think of anything good, his friend suddenly shrieked which made Jeno startle again. Donghyuck pointed his index finger at something next to Jeno and when the slightly older boy turned his head to see what was making Donghyuck so excited, he expected to see some huge sunflower, because they were Donghyuck's favorite flowers and even though they stared at them everyday, Donghyuck never seemed to get enough. Jeno was slightly surprised when he saw the tiny blue flower under Donghyuck's finger.

"Look, look! Isn’t it so pretty?" Donghyuck said, his mouth wide open.

Jeno glanced around, worried his friend’s loud voice had drawn someone’s attention but his eyes halted on Donghyuck’s bright face and he could not help but smile as he felt his heart ease.

"I love it." Jeno nodded, looking back at the colored petals that now didn’t seem so hidden anymore but rather standing out between the big, shiny sunflowers. 

"Really?" Donghyuck asked and before Jeno had the time to answer, he bent over him, helping himself by resting his hand on Jeno's wobbly knee. Donghyuck’s hair was in Jeno’s face and the latter had to grab Donghyuck’s robe in order not to fall but they got back to their not so steady position only a couple of seconds after. Jeno was about to ask him what that was all about until he saw Donghyuck’s blinding smile and the small flower between his fingers. 

Jeno’s eyes widened at the sight because even if he wasn’t allowed outside, he knew the castle’s rules well and those included the garden’s. Jeno knew it was strictly forbidden to pick flowers, as tiny as they were, and he knew Donghyuck was aware too so the round-faced boy was practically asking to be grounded at this point. 

Donghyuck noticed his friend’s panicked face and bursted into laughter.

"It’s fine Jeno, how could anyone notice that? We’ll be fine!" He giggled and it sounded so confident that Jeno believed him.

Jeno took the flower from Donghyuck's hand between his own fingers, carefully in order not to break the stem or the petals and he brushed it softly against his cheek when an idea popped into his mind. He slipped his hand not holding the flower against his neck and under his robe until his fingers sweeped against the cold silver of his pendant.

He took it out and struggled to open it for a bit, under Donghyuck’s inquiring eyes. He ignored the curious boy’s questions as he gently placed the flower in the jewel. He was surprised to see it fitted perfectly, thinking it would be a bit too small but he had a pleased smile when he closed it back and showed it to Donghyuck.

"That way, I’m going to keep it forever!"

Donghyuck blinked before errupting into laughter and beginning to gush about how nice the pendant looked and how cool it must be to have such a thing.

  
Jeno remembered vividly the first time he met Donghyuck. It was during spring, the flowers had just started to blossom again on the trees. At least on the tree that Jeno could see from his window. Jeno didn’t know what kind of tree it was or its name but it grew pretty flowers with pink petals that sometimes flew to his room because of the breeze. Jeno liked them so he picked them up from the floor or from his table depending on what their trajectory was and ligned them up all before making forms with them, animals, objects, anything he remembered from the books he had read during his lessons. 

That day, he was leaning out of the window, watching the pink flowers move slowly, following the rythm imposed by the wind and listening to the water flowing from what he guessed was a fountain. That, he could not see, it was out of his sight, somewhere on the right. 

Jeno had his elbow rested on the windowsill and his chin on his palm. He sighed and slowly closed his eyes, letting his mind wander with only the sound of the water and wind to keep him awake. He was so focused on those two sounds, the way it was so soft Jeno could barely hear it if he wasn’t focusing all his attention on it to the point it became almost noisy, that he didn’t hear footsteps coming closer nor did he notice the boy in front of him until his finger poked Jeno’s arm.

Jeno’s head slipped from his palm, caught off guard by the sudden touch and when he saw an unknown smile after opening his eyes, he started stuttering out of surprise. He took a step back, forgetting he was standing on his small chair and fell on his back. His fall made a loud noise but he was too busy rubbing the back of his head to actually worry about someone hearing it and coming to check on him. Luckily, no one came and Jeno was able to see the boy who had surprised him bending over his windowsill, his forearms almost crossed, probably to keep himself balanced.

"Are you okay?" The boy asked with a worried face that didn’t quite match his high-pitched voice and his tone that didn’t sound worried at all. Jeno could even see the shadow of a smile on his lips. 

Jeno got up quickly when he realized what embarassing situation he had gotten himself into and straightened his robe while clearing his throat.

"May I ask who you are?" He was trying to remain serious but the boy’s white teeth and the glint in his eyes were really distracting. 

"I’m Donghyuck!" The boy said and he extended his right hand, perhaps to shake Jeno’s, but he lost his balance so he retracted it and placed his forearm back on the windowsill before realizing he should probably bow instead anyway, so he did. A shaky, sloppy bow, but a respectable one anyhow. 

Jeno bowed back and there was a few seconds of silence before he thought he had to say his name as well since the boy did, even though that wasn’t really what Jeno asked for. 

"I’m Jeno, nice to meet you."

"I’ve never seen you around, how come?" Donghyuck was a fast-talker. He was still smiling at Jeno but Jeno could see he was struggling to stay balanced.

Jeno gulped and rubbed the back of his neck, trying to think of an excuse. He didn’t know why he was even talking to the boy, he might as well have been dangerous but Jeno couldn’t remember the last time he had talked to someone who wasn’t his professor or his parents sometimes, and something in Donghyuck’s smile or maybe was it his eyes was weirdly comforting, so he decided to say the truth.

"I can’t go out." He said, looking anxiously at Donghyuck, fearing someone had heard him and figured he was talking to someone and worse, telling him something that private.

Donghyuck simply nodded —Jeno was surprised Donghyuck didn't ask any questions but he was relieved because he wouldn't have been able to answer them anyway— and looked around him before looking into Jeno’s room, terribly empty apart from the futon on the floor, the wooden table in the middle and the fallen chair under the window. 

"Well, do you want to go out?"

Jeno almost choked on air at the boy’s words before he regained composure. Donghyuck’s face was hit by the sun in a way that made his skin glow and look a beautiful, orange-ish color. His smile just as bright looked harmless and he tilted his head.

Jeno nodded silently and that was the only thing Donghyuck was waiting for to finally jump off the windowsill. Jeno could not see him anymore but he could hear his laugh, as high as his voice.

"Come, then!"

Jeno ran to the window and bent over. He could see Donghyuck’s eyes, his head was slightly raised to meet Jeno’s stare. Jeno didn’t know before, he never had the chance to know but it seemed like he was afraid of heights because when he was only a meter away from freedom, he freezed, not able to do anything. Donghyuck noticed his uneasiness because he spoke again.

"Jeno, it’s fine, just sit on the windowsill and jump, I’ll be right here to catch you." He said, his playful smile changing slowly into a reassuring one and his eyes softened. Jeno did as he was told, because that’s what he did best and when he was finally in a seating position, Donghyuck got on his tiptoes and grabbed Jeno’s hand in his own.

"Jump now!" Donghyuck chuckled while gently pulling him.

Donghyuck’s hand burned in Jeno’s. It was slightly smaller than his and a bit moist, but it burned, because Jeno didn’t think someone ever touched him that way, to make him feel safe, to comfort him, to make him feel understood, he didn’t think someone had touched him, ever. It felt nice though, so he held Donghyuck’s hand tighter and jumped. 

One day, Donghyuck ran to Jeno’s window like he did almost everyday. He took advantage of Mr. Han being distracted by a letter a servant just brought him and started running when his instructor began frowning, yelling the usual teasing 'sorry' and ignoring the man’s complaints, knowing very well he was actually smiling under his grey beard. 

Donghyuck ran through the garden, he crossed the creek by jumping on the stones and almost fell in the water when he slipped on a pebble, he scared the butterflies and dragonflies that flied away in a single wing flap, he stepped on some flowers by accident and apologized to the frogs that croaked loudly.

It was a sunny day and Donghyuck was dying to play around with Jeno in the gardens, he felt as if it had been days when in reality they had seen each other the previous afternoon.

In the morning, during his botanical lesson, Donghyuck had discovered a new flower that he thought Jeno might like so he asked his professor about it and he told him where he could see it in the garden; Donghyuck had practically been bouncing all morning, excited to show it to Jeno. He knew his friend would like it because the flower was pretty and Jeno liked pretty things. 

His heart was racing with impatience when he finally got to Jeno’s window and his face was all red from running as fast as he could but he knew his panting breath and hurting feet were worth it. Donghyuck, as usual, hissed himself up on the windowsill and knocked twice. There was no answer but it was normal, Jeno never heard Donghyuck knocking. Then, Donghyuck whispered 'Jeno, Jeno!' and waited for the footsteps, the chair and Jeno’s head perking up from behind the blue curtains. They were closed, as usual, because after Donghyuck surprised him when they first met, Jeno got scared people would just enter his room and hurt him even though the castle was probably the safest place in the country. 

It was still silent. It happened sometimes, Jeno was doing something else or dozing off so he didn’t hear Donghyuck and he had to whisper his name a bit louder. He did the same this time, his smile unfazed. 

There was still no answer. Donghyuck frowned, not used to the lack of response, usually Jeno was already smiling at him by this time but then he thought he may have went to the bathroom. It happened once, Donghyuck knocked for what he thought were hours when in reality it was only minutes until Jeno hastily opened the window, rambling about how he was going to round up all the castle if he kept being that loud. Donghyuck decided to wait a few minutes, and then, surely, his friend would come.

He waited patiently. He tried to climb the cherry tree in front of Jeno’s window but failed and got a scratch on the palm of his hand, he chased after a squirrel, he walked in circles. When he decided he had waited long enough, he knocked again and called Jeno’s name again. Nobody answered.

Donghyuck then thought that maybe someone had called his friend and he was busy doing something important, hence why he wasn’t in his room. It had never happened, but maybe this could have been the case. Jeno lived in the castle too after all.

Donghyuck slided his back against the wall under Jeno’s window. He sat on the ground and started counting the pink petals on the grass. Jeno would be back soon so Donghyuck would wait for him and they would play in the garden like usual. Donghyuck could show him the flower and tell him about how he got the scratch on his hand. Jeno would smile at the flower and giggle at Donghyuck’s story but ask him to be more careful.

Donghyuck waited but Jeno never came.

Jeno was gone.

"Where’s Jeno?" Donghyuck asked in the middle of his calligraphy lesson. He was so focused on his instructor’s face he didn’t notice the man's brush shake suddenly. Mr. Han almost cussed at the mess he had done but remembered Donghyuck’s presence and settled for grabbing the water pot on his table. 

"Who’s Jeno again?"

"You know very well who Jeno is." Donghyuck pouted and he crossed his arms against his chest, refusing to continue his drawing. "Where did he go? When will he come back?"

"I don’t know what you’re talking about Donghyuck." Mr. Han replied, keeping his hands steady on the brush and the paper this time.

They both had agreed to talk to each other casually after Donghyuck had made a fuss when Mr. Han refused to refer to him as other than 'Sir' or 'Your Majesty'. Donghyuck didn’t really mind it at first but after a few weeks, he realized it couldn’t work if they were going to spend so much of their time together. Everytime Mr. Han talked to him while using his full name, it got on Donghyuck’s nerves and he began frowning or complaining. When he straight up refused to talk to his instructor if he intented on keeping calling him that way, Mr. Han agreed to stop refering to him so formally when they were alone.

"I went to Jeno’s window and he didn’t answer. What’s going on?" Donghyuck may have been stupid and oblivious but he could understand very well that Mr. Han knew something that he didn’t and it was making him frustrated but also and above all, so sad. He could feel the tears in his eyes, threatening to flow at any wrong word. Donghyuck didn’t want to cry but Jeno wasn’t here and he didn’t know when he would be able to see him again.

Something took over Mr. Han’s eyes, something Donghyuck couldn’t decypher but his gaze looked sorrowful and his voice was low when he spoke.

"I have no information about the case you’re bringing up, Donghyuck."

Donghyuck stared at his instructor for a moment, his beloved old-man and he swallowed his tears before sighing.

He took back his brush and proceeded to draw a single tiny blue flower in the right bottom corner of his paper. 

Just like that, years went on and Jeno never came back. It was as if he had never been here in the first place and Donghyuck could not ask anyone about him besides his instructor, the only person who knew the two boys had become friends. 

Donghyuck always knew something was wrong with Jeno’s treatment, him being locked up in a room and kept away from the rest of the world was always suspicious to him, but growing up, his confusion turned into anger. He didn’t understand why his friend was treated like this, he didn’t know why he looked so scared everytime he heard a tree branch crack behind them, he didn’t know why his eyes always carried the same sad glint in them, why he held on Donghyuck’s hand so tightly and he didn’t know why he suddenly disappeared. 

Donghyuck didn’t even know who Jeno was. Except for his name and the fact he liked flowers and sunny days and waterlilies and Donghyuck’s laugh, Donghyuck didn’t know Jeno. He didn’t know why Jeno lived in the castle and since when, or where his parents were.

But if Donghyuck knew one thing, it was that he loved Jeno, his precious friend. Donghyuck thought they would grow up together, make memories and laugh forever but he found himself becoming a teenager without him and without being given the time to realize, Donghyuck was only months away from being an adult.

_1749, Joseon Era, South Korea_

  
"The prince, Lee Jeno."

Donghyuck gulped.

He felt his heartbeat fasten immediatly and his palms started to sweat. Donghyuck was still looking at the ground, he couldn’t bear himself to look up. He felt his whole world turn faster and faster, until it all came crashing to the ground. His head felt dizzy and he had to close his eyes firmly to calm down. He could hear everyone’s screams of joy, the chants of the prince’s name in the crowd getting louder and louder as footsteps got closer and closer to him.

_No, this can’t be happening right now._

This was not supposed to happen, not now, not ever. Nobody had told him about this, nobody had told him about him, for years. Or ever. This couldn’t be real, it was a dream, Donghyuck was sure of it as he gripped the fabric of his robe resting on his knees tighter. 

Then, he felt a hand squeezing his shoulder which made him look behind his shoulder. Donghyuck’s eyes met his instructor’s and he knew his gaze must have been very confused and so scared, because Mr. Han sent him a gentle smile and rubbed his thumb on his shoulder. His eyes were so grey, a thing that had always fascinated Donghyuck ever since he was a little kid, but they seemed so deep now, as if they held every secret that he had kept from Donghyuck, every lie that he had told him.

Donghyuck didn’t have the time to question the old man because he heard the door of the royal coach open from down there and the chants grow louder. Donghyuck slowly turned back his head to the show taking place in front of his very eyes, afraid of what he was going to see. He was still not ready but he didn’t have any choice.

From his seat, high above the ground and the people, Donghyuck had to lean a bit forward to be able to look at the scene properly. There was the huge red coach in the middle of the road that had been put down by the men carrying it and plenty of guards in front of and behind the vehicle, stopping people from getting too close to it. The right door was open and finally, he got out. 

Jeno was as beautiful as ever, even more than before. He had grown a lot taller, his shoulders were as broad as a man’s ones and his frame was not the frail one Donghyuck knew by heart. His black hair was hidden under the royal hat and his hand was firm as he waved to the crowd. His dark blue robe was no longer too big for him. 

Donghyuck felt chocked up.

What surprised him the most was Jeno’s face. His black eyes were the same, the shape not different a bit but they were so cold, no longer the two little crescents with crinckles under, they were so different from the eyes Donghyuck had looked into numerous times before. His lips were also the same, but they were firmly pressed, there was not a hint of the smile that was always directed to Donghyuck only. His whole face was so stiff and severe, everything was so similar and different from the past, Donghyuck felt overwhelmed.

Donghyuck took a glance at the King and the Queen, sitting besides his parents and felt his face turn pale as realization dawned on him. Donghyuck had heard rumors about the royal couple having a child, hidden somewhere, but as stupid as he was, he had never put the pieces together.

Jeno was the King and Queen’s son. He was the heir to the throne.

They were looking at their son proudly, chins high and smiles hypocrite. He looked back at his childhood friend and when he did, Jeno was looking right back at him. They locked eyes and Donghyuck could not look away. 

Jeno could.

He kept walking and looked straight ahead of him, his face indifferent, devoid of any hints that he was feeling any sort of emotion. Donghyuck felt like crying. 

He knew Jeno was coming up to sit with them but the sole idea of him being only a few meters away from him made him sick. How was he supposed to stay here with a straight face for the next few hours? No matter how many times he rehearsed what he was going to tell the other when they finally met again, he never thought of himself as ready, and the Jeno walking up the stairs to sit on the chair next to his parents without sparing a single glance at Donghyuck wasn’t making it easy either because this was certainly not the Jeno Donghyuck expected to meet after years of being apart. 

Between them were Jeno’s parents as well as Donghyuck’s, which made it impossible for Donghyuck to see Jeno from his spot and he could not lean forward to take a glimpse at the impassive boy’s face because dozens, maybe even hundreds of people were staring at them and he knew it would draw attention so he kept still, his hands gripping his robe’s fabric resting on his knees. Mr. Han squeezed his shoulder again.

Donghyuck saw Jeno’s father get up to render his speech. He had a giant smile on his face and it made Donghyuck’s stomach ache. This time, he could look at Jeno because he was allowed to look at the King and his son was right behind him so he could take a quick peek if he wanted, but he didn’t, he didn’t want to see Jeno’s face ignoring his presence again, so he kept his eyes set on something far away, in the distance. 

There were clouds, the hill that Donghyuck never got to play at, modest habitations with colorful roofs and dark facades. He could hear the people exclaiming words of appreciation at every word Jeno’s father said but it didn’t reach his ears, every sound was muffled under Jeno’s presence. 

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, hoping it would all disappear. He kept his eyes firmly pressed for so long that black became white and his head started to hurt so he opened them back but sadly, everything was still the same except it was now Donghyuck’s father who was talking to the people, completely unaware of his son’s distress. His mother didn’t seem to notice anything either, she was smiling brightly, always happy to show herself.

Donghyuck only had Mr. Han’s heavy hand on his shoulder and his own heart clenching and unclenching. 

The banquet hall was the most luxurious room of the castle. Since it was intended for welcoming the guests, all more important, high-placed and influential than the other, it had to be as beautiful as possible.

The tables were big enough for a whole town to sit at even though most of the times, there weren’t more than a dozen of people invited. The royal family was very picky about their guests, careful about the castle’s safety but mostly about their image; they couldn’t afford to invite just anyone to the castle. 

There were numerous chandeliers with over a hundred of candles that probably took at least two hours to light up. All of the four walls were covered in tapestry, representing old legends or the country’s history, huge windows let the sunlight enter the room during the day and the weak moonbeams at night. 

That day, there were more people in the room than Donghyuck had ever seen —and his family had hosted lots of balls— lords and heads of clans from neighbouring regions, sometimes even remote lands. Donghyuck’s parents looked as happy as ever —and in their case, that meant fake. They were walking aroud, chins high, sometimes dragging Donghyuck to one empress or one nobleman in order to brag about him a bit until they judged they did it enough and let him go. 

The room was full of people, errupting laughters, high-pitched giggles and sweet voices that filled Donghyuck’s head and allowed him to think of something else. 

Donghyuck actually liked being around people. At least he didn’t dislike it, because even if sometimes the noise was too much, or he felt suffocated, it entertained him and people liked him —they laughed at his jokes or pushed his shoulder slightly as a blush creeped on their face. It made Donghyuck feel appreciated and he enjoyed the attention, but he had to admit he liked it better when he was a kid.

Then, he didn’t have to worry about anything. People pinched his cheek and patted his head, Donghyuck giggled. He ran around with the neighboring King’s kids and stole cakes from the kitchen. 

Once, he had brought one to Jeno who’d had to stay in his room, still without telling Donghyuck why. When Jeno had seen him, he’d almost stopped breathing and put his hand on Donghyuck’s mouth even though the younger hadn’t said anything yet. 

Donghyuck had licked the palm of his hand and Jeno had removed it with a face of disgust before rubbing it on his robe to get rid of Donghyuck's unwanted saliva. 

Donghyuck had giggled and gave him the cake and Jeno had insisted that they shared it together even though Donghyuck had another thousand of cakes to eat back there so he had sat on the floor of Jeno’s tiny room and eaten cake with him, laughing loud enough to cover the muffled noises coming from the banquet hall. 

  
Jeno’s father rang the bell indicating dinner was ready and it was time to sit down and everyone quickly rushed to the tables, aiming for the best places. As usual, Donghyuck waited for everyone to sit down because he never knew where to sit and he was nervous someone would tell him to move.

He probably shouldn’t have waited this time though, because when everyone finally settled, Donghyuck saw his mother call him to sit next to her. In front of Donghyuck was his father and next to him Jeno, with his own father on his right. Donghyuck stilled, hesitating between running away or pretending he had to talk with Mr. Han, on the opposite side of the table, but he chose to listen to his mother and sit next to her instead. He didn’t really have a choice anyway, even if he would have liked to be able to tell himself he did it because he didn’t care that much. 

When he sat down, he couldn’t help but take a glance at Jeno who was, unsurprisingly, focused on what his father was telling him. Donghyuck looked away, and decided to ignore him too if he was going to act like that. He focused on the food in front of him, hoping he could still enjoy it because he didn’t get to eat that well everyday, even if he was a prince. 

He hummed at what his mother was saying absent-mindedly until something his father said drew his attention.

"Jeno is going to be a formidable King, there’s no doubt about it. He’s good at archery and swordplay and I heard he’s wonderful at his studies. He’s also strong and determined, he’ll rule the country with an iron fist." Donghyuck’s father praised Jeno, going on and on about his qualities, clearly trying to please the King. His eyes drifted to his son and he noticed Donghyuck looking at him. He smiled. "Right, Donghyuck?"

Donghyuck stuttered, startled at the sudden question. He almost dropped the cup of tea he was holding but held it tighter after. He could feel sweat emerge on his forehead, probably due to the high heat in the room since there were so many people and his robe was already heavy enough on his shoulders. 

He knew his parents were looking at him, as well as Jeno’s father but when Donghyuck’s eyes flickered to Jeno, the boy was still ignoring him. He kept on eating, not caring at all about what Donghyuck had to say about him and Donghyuck felt his heart sink once again.

"Right."

  
After dinner, everyone got up to start the real gala. The musicians were done setting up their instruments and a low but fast melody began. Every lady found a partner and they danced, spinned and laughed. Jeno’s parents were in the middle of the room, leading the dance and following the rythm carefully. Donghyuck’s parents weren’t far, doing the exact same thing. 

Donghyuck didn’t feel like dancing so the second it started, he got up and walked to a corner, hoping no one would stop him on his way to ask him to dance. Fortunately, it didn’t happen and he made it to the wall without talking to anyone. He pressed his back against the upholstered wall, crossed his arms behind his back and watched. 

The room was even noisier now, the sound of music adding to the loud voices and laughs. Donghyuck felt hotter and fanned himself with his hand but it didn’t work as well as he had hoped. 

He looked around the room, laid his eyes on his parents and wondered how his father was able to ask him so naturally about Jeno when he never even told him Jeno existed. Donghyuck would probably have met him for the first time today if he hadn’t been such a disobedient child back then.

He then let his eyes wander to Jeno’s parents. He felt kind of disgusted, to see the people who had locked up their son in a tiny room for half of his life now bragging about him as if he was their most precious object. 

Donghyuck saw Mr. Han too, dancing with some lady probably younger than him but older than Donghyuck’s mother. He looked happy. 

When Donghyuck was still looking at his instructor, a couple came into his view and Donghyuck almost looked away because it was Jeno. Donghyuck saw his smile for the first time. 

It was just the same as when they were kids but all so different at the same time. First of all, it wasn’t directed at him, and it was the first time Donghyuck saw Jeno smiling at someone else. It was the first time he saw Jeno with someone else than him. His smile displayed his teeth, white and perfectly aligned but it didn’t reach his eyes the way it used to. Donghyuck could see his pupils perfectly from where he was standing, darker but also bigger. He remembered teasing Jeno about his eyes that disappeared everytime he smiled. Jeno was dancing with a girl around the same age as them, he was smiling at her and he leaned in to whisper something in her ear. 

Donghyuck’s heart didn’t have the time to break because someone roused him from his thoughts.

"Eyeing the Prince?"

Donghyuck jumped in surprise. He was so engrossed with the show in front of his eyes he hadn’t noticed a boy walking up to him and leaning on the wall next to him.

He turned to the boy and observed him. He was short —shorter than Donghyuck who was already not that tall— he had a small head with slim traits that made him look delicate but also mischievious eyes and an impish smile. One of his teeth was slightly sharper than the others. Nevertheless, he was pretty.

"And you are?" Donghyuck raised a brow, because no matter how nice the boy looked, he still ambushed him in the corner and hazarded a guess a bit too wild to Donghyuck’s liking.

The boy chuckled and took a step back in order to bow exaggeratedly. Donghyuck pursued his lips and the boy looked up to Donghyuck through his eyelashes.

"Huang Renjun. At your service, Your Highness."

Donghyuck could see the boy meant nothing of it so he rolled his eyes.

"You’re Chinese?" Donghyuck guessed according to the boy's foreign name and slight accent when pronunciating words.

"Precisely." Renjun said, finally straightening his back again. He looked pleased to see Donghyuck annoyed which irked him even more. 

"How come you’re so good at Korean?" Donghyuck didn’t know why he was asking the boy questions and keeping the conversation going but he had nothing to do, and he had to admit the foreigner was quite interesting.

"You don’t speak Chinese?" Renjun asked back as he shrugged, more like a matter of fact than a real question. Donghyuck blinked.

"It’s hard." He did have Chinese lessons and he was actually not that bad but he was sure he wasn’t as fluent as the boy in front of him was in Korean.

"Everything’s hard if you think it is." Renjun said. He scanned the room before setting his eyes on a moving figure. The sly smile came back on his face. "So, are you two good friends? Since you live together."

"We don’t live together." Donghyuck was quick to answer and Renjun glanced at him. He looked like he was reading Donghyuck’s heart and mind so the young prince spoke again. "And we’re not really friends."

It was true, a fact even. They lived in the same castle, probably —despite Jeno disappearing for a decade, he couldn’t have gone anywhere too far, at least not for more than a few years, so Donghyuck guessed Jeno was somewhere in the same castle as him, in the same gardens. He had tried to look for him but it was hopeless, everything was too big and similar, without forgetting the constant surveillance. 

They were not friends either, Donghyuck discovered. He may have thought they still were before, but after seeing Jeno’s empty gaze and unwavering face, he realized they definitely weren’t anymore. 

"Not really, you said? Is there some backstory there?" Renjun hummed and Donghyuck wanted to rip off the smile on his face but he also wanted to tell him everything, because he had no one he could talk to and he desperatly wanted to cry, and something about the boy was weirdly comforting.

However, he did nothing and snorted instead before turning his head to look at Jeno again. He was still in the same place but he wasn’t dancing anymore, instead talking to men Donghyuck didn’t know —but it wasn’t like he knew a lot of people. The girl was still standing nex to him, smiling politely at the two men. 

"Nothing important." He said, his eyes still on the familiar figure. Renjun gazed at him before he snorted too.

"Why are you staring at him then?"

"I’m watching him do his duties." Donghyuck answered, ignoring Renjun’s raised brow at him. "Now, why are you talking to me?" He added, turning his whole body towards the Chinese boy who settled on shrugging.

"Out of boredom. I think I’ll have to go now though, despite how unfortunate it might be. I’ll see you at the next gala your family holds." Renjun strayed from the wall he was leaning on.

"You mean there’s going to be another one? And you’ll be here?" Donghyuck asked and Renjun laughed, probably because of Donghyuck’s face, between surprise and disgust.

"You really aren’t aware of anything, I see?" He flashed a last smile at Donghyuck before starting to walk away. "See you soon, Lee Donghyuck!"

And just like that, he disappeared into the crowd. Donghyuck got closer to the window and took a glance outside. Indeed, the sky was growing darker and the moon was getting brighter so Donghyuck guessed the guests would leave at any moment. He didn’t get the chance to speak to Mr. Han before going to sleep. 

The next few weeks, Donghyuck barely saw Jeno. It was as if he had never reappeared, his presence like a ghost in the corridors of the castle and alleys of the garden. He still saw him from time to time, and it was the only thing assuring him Jeno was really alive and well.

Donghyuck, despite the anger he had grown towards his old friend after spending hours turning and tossing his bed thinking about the issue, was still relieved. Over the long years Jeno had been gone, Donghyuck had tried looking for him, yes, but he had also considered the possibility Jeno just might have been gone for real. 

It didn’t seem that unrealistic: he had disappeared overnight and he was nowhere to be found. Also, no one, absolutely not a single soul, ever mentionned Jeno’s name. Ever. Maybe they did when Donghyuck wasn’t around but he doubted it, because Donghyuck was a curious one and he heard lots of conversations he was never supposed to hear, but none of them was about Jeno. Then again, nobody ever mentionned Jeno even before he disappeared, so it wasn’t that alarming. Thus, Donghyuck was relieved to see Jeno’s blank face sometimes, it reminded him the boy still existed despite how despicable the future King had grown to be. 

At some point, he wondered if Jeno even remembered him because Donghyuck couldn’t understand how it was possible for the older to ignore him so straightfowardly after all the things they had lived together, with all the memories they shared. He thought maybe Jeno got very busy during the years they were apart and slowly forgot about his friend. 

Donghyuck also almost forgot him sometimes. The first two years, Jeno was all Donghyuck could think about, he couldn't understand what had happened and he liked to have a grasp on everything around him so it was frustrating him a lot but he also felt terribly sad. He lost his only friend, his best friend. 

But the next few years, Donghyuck thought he couldn’t keep lamenting that way and when he got too busy with his lessons, the few times he was allowed outside, his conversations with Mr. Han, the galas, Jeno slipped from his mind. 

But there was always something to remind him of his friend. Cherry blossoms in his hair, tiny blue flowers in the grass, cats sneaking into the gardens. 

Donghyuck realized Jeno could not have forgotten him, he was his only friend too after all. Jeno was just ignoring him and Donghyuck felt heartbroken. 

Donghyuck, being the petty young man he was, chose to ignore Jeno as well if that was what Jeno wanted. So for weeks, they didn’t talk, they didn’t even look at each other. Sometimes, their parents insisted they ate dinner all together and Donghyuck could feel the atmosphere was tense but he ignored it because he certainly wasn’t going to be the awkward one. Their parents didn’t seem to notice the weird tension hanging in the air or question the fact their sons never talked together. 

The days went on like that and somehow, it was a bit like all the years Donghyuck spent by himself in the castle. But it wasn’t the same because even if he decided to stop aknowledging Jeno’s presence, he knew he was here and he could do nothing about it. 

After almost a month of silence, during one of their family dinners, Jeno’s father cleared his throat and announced there would be another reception, this time to honnor his father memory as it would soon be his death anniversary. 

"When will it take place?" Donghyuck’s mother asked, putting her glass back on the table, suddenly interested. 

"In a week or two. I don’t want to hold it on the exact day because it would disturb my father and we need to pay him his respects in peace." He answered. Donghyuck glanced at him. He was sitting stone-faced, as usual, and Donghyuck always wondered how his expression could be so stiff all the time when Jeno was such a smiley puppy, so transparent. But after seeing the new Jeno, Donghyuck just came to the conclusion it was a family thing. "Jeno, I’ll need you to help me with organization, it’ll help you understand your future duties better."

Jeno only nodded even though he probably muttered a polite 'Yes' that Donghyuck couldn’t hear. Jeno’s father went on about how it would be a small committee this time as it was a last minute thing and guests too far away couldn’t come on such a short notice. 

  
The light autumn breeze was chilly enough to make Donghyuck shiver slightly when it blew a bit too strongly on his face or on his bare ankles. Night was about to fall when he suddenly decided he wanted to take a walk in the gardens. He quickly got dressed up again in the robe he had just taken off minutes ago and slowly opened the door, as quietly as possible. He sticked his head out in the small opening he had created to see if anyone was here and sighed in relief when he realized the corridor was empty and silent. 

He had his sandals in his hand, careful not to make any sound that would draw attention and make sure he’d have to go back to his room but unfortunately, he met his preceptor just meters away from the door. Donghyuck cussed under his breath before displaying his nicest smile to the old man who was only raising his eyebrows at him. He was fully aware of what the boy was intending to do, he knew him more than anyone else and he had seen him do it countless of times before but he still asked. 

"Where are you going?"

A little laugh escaped Donghyuck’s lips and he rubbed the back of his neck, processing to think of an excuse. He knew it wouldn’t work but he still tried everytime.

"I forgot something in the bathroom."

Mr. Han’s unmoving face let him know that, indeed, it didn’t work, so he settled on pouting and begging him to let him go because he knew that would work.

"I just wanted to get some fresh air, I promise." He said and he saw the man’s face crack a bit.

"I’ll have to go with you then." He answered, already turning back to his room to get his shoes but Donghyuck grabbed his sleeve to stop him.

"There’s really no need to! It’ll only be for a short while, you don’t have to worry." And just like that, Mr. Han patted his head and let him go with a sigh. Donghyuck giggled before running to the garden in case he would bump into someone else. 

Donghyuck had wanted to talk to Mr. Han about Jeno at first, because it was obvious he knew a lot of things Donghyuck didn’t so he thought if he insisted a bit, maybe he would tell him. 

The sad gaze Donghyuck saw on his face the day Jeno made his first public appearance reminded him of the one he wore everytime Donghyuck brought up his friend when he was little. Even if Donghyuck could not get everything out of his instructor, he was sure he could at least get answers to some of his questions, but after hesitating a bit, he decided not to ask anything. First of all because he wanted to keep pretending he didn’t care about Jeno, second of all because he didn’t know if Mr. Han would tell him all the truth and third of all because he wanted to get the answers from Jeno himself. 

Except he couldn’t, so weeks after, he was still stuck with all of his unanswered questions, torturing his head everytime Donghyuck allowed his mind to wander. 

He was walking slowly amongst the flowers and the carefully cut bushes, shining warm colors under the setting sun. Donghyuck liked this time of the day, the few minutes between day and night when it’s hard to tell morning from evening and time feels like it has stopped. The sun colored everything in shades of orange and yellow, Donghyuck’s favorite colors and it looked like every flower, every frog, every brick, every being just basked into the warm rays. Donghyuck liked looking at his hands and seeing them more tanned, almost red, he liked watching the star jasmines become orangey. 

Donghyuck walked without really thinking about where he was going, he hoped he could find a bench to sit down and look at the sky peacefully until the sun completely disappeared and gave up his place to the moon and stars. 

Building benches in the gardens was Donghyuck’s idea. Before, there wasn’t anything of the sort, it was probably seen as useless since no one ever really lingered there, but one day Jeno confessed to him he would like to be able to sit on something else than the ground or grass to enjoy the quiet wind and nice flowers so Donghyuck had run to his father to suggest him the idea —of course leaving Jeno’s name out of it. 

He had felt pride bubble in his chest when he'd heard Jeno’s excited shriek as he ran to a bench almost hidden under arcs covered in roses and azaleas, surrounded by shrubberies. It felt like a private and intimate place, a secret only the two of them knew about. 

Donghyuck turned around, knowing where he was heading to now. 

It didn’t take too much time to find the bench. Donghyuck hadn’t gone there for years but it was still here, the same as before. The white color had faded a bit, probably due to the frequent rains and its age and there weren’t as many flowers as Donghyuck remembered but that was surely because of the season. Everything else was the same except Jeno was standing in the center of the little circle space created by the shrubberies all around. 

Donghyuck almost gasped but he quickly got a grip of himself and without thinking, he hid behind one of the bushes, feeling the air sucked out of his lungs suddenly. 

It was the first time since Jeno came back that Donghyuck actually allowed himself to look properly at him. Jeno was tall, he had grown a lot taller than him despite his memories of the countless times Donghyuck teased him because he used to be a couple of centimenters taller. Jeno’s robe was a light blue, Donghyuck knew it from the number of times he saw it on the boy, but under the late evening sun, it reflected the same warm color as the flowers Donghyuck saw seconds ago.

Jeno’s face had changed. Obviously, over ten years, his face surely changed, he grew up and matured into a man but Donghyuck was still not used to it. His hair was the only thing unchanged, still as black but most of the time, it was hidden under his headwear. His face though, was not the one Donghyuck once knew. His jaw was way sharper, as if always clenched, his skin was paler and Donghyuck could see his moles from where he was, illuminated by the sun. 

Jeno’s eyes were what changed the most, darker, harder, never sparing a glance at Donghyuck. He had never seen any emotion in them, so unlike the times they played together, but now, as Donghyuck was staring at him, Jeno’s eyes were focused on the sky. His pupils were hit by the sun in a graceful way, his eyelashes seemed longer.

Jeno was looking at the sky with eyes Donghyuck saw for the first time, not impassive anymore. His gaze seemed softer, almost sad. Donghyuck wondered what he was thinking about. He wondered how Jeno would react if he just walked to him but instead he did what he did best. He ran away.

The day of the reception, Donghyuck managed to stay in his room the whole morning. He thought his parents would have asked him to help already but his door hadn’t been opened even once, so he tried to enjoy his free time peacefully, knowing bigger trouble would come his way after. 

He was right because just a few minutes before the first guests arrived, Mr. Han knocked on his door to tell him his mother recquired he was the one welcoming the guests. Donghyuck raised a brow but got up and opened his door anyway. He ended up facing his instructor who had an apologetic grin on his face. Donghyuck just smiled, to let him know it was okay.

Truthfully, Donghyuck thought it would have been Jeno’s task. It may have been Donghyuck’s responsibility before but now that Jeno was back, Donghyuck had assumed he would be the one doing this kind of things from now on, since he was the rightful heir and the future king —he had to start adaptating himself to this kind of duty as soon as possible. When they were walking to the gates, Mr. Han admitted they had resorted to Donghyuck because they considered Jeno had done enough work already. The man then whispered to him that he was better with people anyways which made Donghyuck smile again. 

Outside, the sky was a bit gloomy and the fallen leaves on the ground were wet because of the rain that poured the night before. The wind wasn’t too strong, fortunately, and the guards slowly opened the gates, revealing a dozen of people waiting behind. Their eyes all moved from the gatekeepers to Mr. Han before laying on Donghyuck and huge smiles grew on their faces. Donghyuck suddenly felt a little bit frozen. 

The first persons started walking up to him and Donghyuck felt a wave of relief wash over him when he realized he knew all of their names, due to the small number of people who were invited, only family or close friends. 

Donghyuck learnt pleasantries before he even learnt how to read or write. Mr. Han always told him that if he didn’t know someone’s name he had to pretend he did, and if he disliked someone he certainly, definitly, couldn’t express it in any way. This, he had learnt after he’d told some lord he smelled weird and the man then refused to step a foot in the castle ever again. Donghyuck’s father had been furious and Donghyuck had sobbed in Mr. Han’s arms.

If Donghyuck happened to not know somebody’s name when he was a kid, he could surely get away with it, he was smart and good with words. He still was, as a soon-to-be adult, but it was his duty to know absolutely everyone and people would start to notice something was off if he only said 'Sir' for a whole day. 

Donghyuck bowed politely to everyone walking by him and some people stopped to have a little conversation with him. Donghyuck kept his polite smile at first, but when the discussions started lasting a bit too long, he had to restrain a sigh and when a lady didn’t stop talking for at least ten minutes, Donghyuck began twisting his fingers in his robe. Mr. Han pressed his hand on his back for a split second and Donghyuck started laughing courteously again. 

Everyone was probably in the banquet hall already now. Donghyuck took advantage of a few seconds the lady was silent to offer her his arm in order to join the others before she started speaking again. 

  
They could hear the noise from where they were, in the corridor leading to the hall. Donghyuck’s head slightly hurt already so he rubbed his temples, then his eyes to prepare himself for the long afternoon waiting ahead of him. 

Luckily, when they arrived, everyone was still standing and talking together in little groups so nobody stared at them for being late. The lady spotted a friend of her apparently because she let go of Donghyuck’s arm to run excitedly towards her and Donghyuck sighed in relief. He liked talking to people but this talk was getting a little too long. 

Mr. Han put his hand on his shoulder and flashed a small smile at him before walking to Jeno’s father, probably to talk about things Donghyuck couldn’t care less about, which was why he didn’t follow him and instead made his way to the window. He thought he could pretend to be busy until lunch started which didn’t take too long because the second he catched a sight of the fountain under the window, everyone was called to sit down.

Donghyuck learnt from his mistakes, and this time he took a seat as far as possible from his parents because where his parents were, were Jeno’s parents and next to them usually was Jeno himself. Donghyuck feared his mother or his father would find it weird and glare at him but of course they were too focused on the guests to bother about their son, which made Donghyuck feel glad for once. 

He sat between his instructor and some man who looked even older than him but had a, albeit toothless, nice smile and white eyebrows. The man asked him about his favorite flower before he even sat down properly and Donghyuck thought that maybe he could enjoy his meal.

When Donghyuck was almost done with his plate, the nice old man was busy talking with the man in front of him and Mr. Han was listening to the story the lady from before was telling him so, unconciously, he began listening to others’ conversations. 

Some people were talking about their region’s business while others were worrying about their turbulent children, which made Donghyuck laugh to himself because the stories reminded him of himself as a kid, until one conversation in particular caught his attention.

"Those are some very nice flowers! I’ve been trying to grow them for so long in my garden but it just can’t seem to work out." A lady Donghyuck recognized as his mother’s close friend said, looking at a vase sitting on a sideboard behind Jeno’s father. 

Donghyuck followed the woman’s eyes and felt his heart ache. Those were indeed very pretty flowers, with tiny petals that intermingled together as there was so many of them. He hadn’t paid attention to them before since he arrived late and was busy listening to the lady on his arm and now only did he realize the whole room was filled with the same lovely flowers, light blue being the only color emerging from the vases. 

It looked like whole bouquets had been picked and fit into the jars on the verge of breaking. The vivid blue color tinting the petals contrasted beautifully with the blinding white of the old vases. Before more painful memories could settle inside his head, Donghyuck heard the King’s heavy voice wrapped in misplaced pride ringing between the walls so loudly it was as if it could break the fragile antiques containing the flowers.

"Right? Jeno chose them. It was extremely hard to find them because of the season but he insisted he wanted those and I’m glad we managed to get them, they add a nice touch of color to the room."

Donghyuck felt his breath being taken away for a second and he clenched the spoon in his hand. His gaze went to the flowers again, the gentle shape holding forgotten memories littered all over Donghyuck’s mind under his arithmetic knowledge and his last conversation with his parents. He moved his eyes to the table slowly, regretting his choice of sitting there for the first time that day, because from where he was, he couldn’t see Jeno’s face at all, hidden behind his mother’s figure. Donghyuck knew he probably didn’t look up once, he probably wasn’t even listening to the conversation even though he was in the middle of it and Donghyuck was seats away, but he hoped that maybe, maybe Jeno would have glanced at him this one time. 

Donghyuck hated swordfight lessons the most. He used to love them, a long time ago, long before he became a young man with a conscience far too human and compassionate for a prince whose duty was to defend his country with his life. That, and the fact he was as bad at physical activities as he was scared of dying under the tip of the sword during a simple practice made it quite hard for him to enjoy lessons. 

Mr. Han knew about his pronounced avorsion towards the thing Donghyuck’s teacher called 'art' and the young boy had tried many times to have him help and get him exempted from the lessons but the man was a faithful servant of the castle and Donghyuck always ended up back in the backyard, sword in hand.

He considered himself lucky though, because despite his disproportionate love towards the lethal sport Donghyuck considered weird, his swordfight teacher was probably the nicest man to ever walk the castle’s ground. He was a lot younger than the other people working for the royal family but still much older than Donghyuck. He always went easy on him because of his obvious discomfort, he allowed him to take breaks much longer than usual breaks are supposed to take and, unfortunately, he only came to the castle twice a week for Donghyuck’s weekly lessons. 

Donghyuck could only guess but he supposed the man was also Jeno’s teacher, if he even had one. He knew absolutely nothing about his whereabouts and how he spent his days but it was likely Jeno followed the same schedule as him, because even if Donghyuck may not have been the crown prince, he was still a prince and had similar duties as Jeno’s. However, Donghyuck had never seen Jeno train, even less trained with him and he couldn’t bring himself to ask his teacher because he was still supposed to not care about him. 

But during that day’s lesson, unexpected things happened. Donghyuck should have known it would go wrong the second he saw Jeno’s father as well as his own come up to his teacher. They whispered a few things to each other while Donghyuck was pretending to sharpen his sword, but he could see the frown getting deeper on his trainer’s face as well as the King’s disinterested expression he always wore. 

His teacher turned to look at him and Donghyuck was quick to look away, pretending he hadn’t been staring at them the whole time. The man called his name and when Donghyuck set his eyes on him, he was met with a faint smile and apologetic eyes. 

Despite all the warning signs, Donghyuck only understood something was wrong, or at least was going to go wrong, when he saw Jeno get closer to the group of men. Donghyuck’s father motionned him to join them so he reluctantly set down his sword and dragged his feet towards them. When he got close enough, he heard his teacher talk.

"With all due respect, I’m not sure this is a great idea, they have never done it before and His Highness Donghyuck is not exactly-"

"Precisely, this is exactly what they both need. They’re not going to fight with you during war, are they? They need to practice with an opponent they know nothing about." Jeno’s father answered, clearly not changing his mind.

Donghyuck felt his heart plummet into his stomach. There was no way he was going to swordfight with Jeno, first of all because he was either going to die or kill him by accident, second of all because it was somehow closer than what they had ever been ever since Jeno came back and Donghyuck was not sure he could even look him in the eye. He glanced nervously at the other party involved but Jeno was only staring at the ground with the same look of disinterest as his father. But again, Donghyuck should not have been so surprised anymore.

Donghyuck could see on his teacher’s face that he was running out of excuses and he felt his heartbeat fasten as well as his hands become moist, wrapped around the shaft of his sword. Donghyuck was used to this, it happened everytime he felt nervous but the thought that Jeno had been the cause of his uneasiness often these last few weeks crossed his mind nevertheless. His grip tightened and he held his gaze firmly at the ground, without noticing Jeno’s eyes glancing at his trembling hands. 

"I’m not doing it."

"Excuse me?" Jeno’s father said, his voice just as severe as it always was.

"I said I’m not fighting with Jeno." Donghyuck lowered his voice when pronouncing the other boy’s name.

It was the first time that name ever left his mouth ever since Jeno got back and Donghyuck hated how it sounded now, almost just as much as he hated the way simply saying those two syllables made his heart ache that bad. 

"And who do you think you are?" Donghyuck’s father spoke up. Donghyuck was still staring at the ground but the tone of his voice was enough to let him know he had angered him. "You do what you’re told to do Lee Donghyuck, understood?"

Donghyuck hated how disgusted with him his father sounded, he didn’t even have to look at him to know the man was glaring at him with despisal in his eyes, aimed at his own son. His heartbeat only got faster and faster to the point it hurt in his chest and he was just about to nod when a voice cut him off. 

"Father, I have an appointment with the doctor that you know I can’t miss. Let’s reschedule this to some other time. This is the least of my concerns."

Donghyuck finally looked up and met eyes with Jeno, staring him down in a way that made him wonder if he was talking about swordfight or Donghyuck himself. 

Jeno’s father hesitated for a second before nodding. "Right. This can wait, let’s go. Sorry to have disturbed your lesson." He told Donghyuck’s trainer with a tone that sounded anything but sorry, who bowed uneasily in return. He turned on his heels and started to leave without paying attention to Donghyuck’s father pulling aside the swordfight teacher to talk about things Donghyuck didn’t have the heart to hear.

Jeno, too, was about to follow his father but Donghyuck grabbed his wrist before he could do so. The prince eyed Donghyuck’s fingers wrapped around his skin before his eyes went up again until they locked with Donghyuck whom own eyes were shaking out of a panick Jeno never saw on the boy’s face before. Jeno’s expression remained as unwavering as ever, but this time he was slightly frowning, confused by the younger’s action. Donghyuck didn’t know why he had done it either, he only saw his hand move forward and grab Jeno and now they were staring at each other. 

They had not talked ever since Jeno came back, they hadn’t talked for ten years and Donghyuck gulped because he knew he had to say something now, he couldn’t just let go of that wrist and pretend nothing happened. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t care anymore. 

"Jeno." He breathed out, as if that single word was too hard to say, recquired too much efforts. 

He thought he saw Jeno’s face flinch a bit, just for a split second but in the blink of an eye, his usual impassive face was back and Donghyuck held his wrist tighter. 

"What happened to you?"

"I don’t know what you’re talking about." Those were the first words Jeno adressed to Donghyuck in all those years. Donghyuck felt chocked up but he couldn’t cry and that was the worst feeling he ever experienced.

"You come back after years and you don’t talk to me at all, you ignore me even-"

"We talk." Jeno spoke fast, he didn’t have to think about what to say, it was as if all this was obvious to him, rehearsed even. He didn’t feel his heart break in his chest or his eyes sting from the tears like Donghyuck. 

"I don’t consider asking you for water and you handing me the pot without sparing me a glance talking."

"There’s nothing to say." Jeno’s voice was cold, his voice pierced Donghyuck’s heart worse than any sword ever could. Even now, he wasn’t looking at Donghyuck, instead directing his gaze towards the hand still holding his wrist. Donghyuck didn’t let go.

"You can say that all you want but I don’t believe you, Jeno." Donghyuck stuttered, tripped over his words like Jeno used to trip over his robe and Donghyuck couldn’t look away from him. Now that he had his eyes set on him, he felt like he could never look away again. No matter how harsh Jeno was to him, Donghyuck couldn’t stop being devastatingly attracted towards him. There were too many things unsaid and Donghyuck had a feeling if he averted his eyes from Jeno, if he let go of that hand, he would never be able to do any of that again. 

Seeing the lack of answer from Jeno, Donghyuck spoke again. "If you hate me that much, why disobey your father?"

"I did not, I only reminded him of my appointment. And I don’t want to waste my time with a weak opponent." Jeno said, each word coming out of his mouth in the same monotone voice that Donghyuck grew to dislike so much. He could be offended by Jeno’s words but he knew him too well despite how much he changed, he knew Jeno didn’t mean it, or maybe Donghyuck was just holding onto the last thread of hope he had. 

"You’re lying." Donghyuck’s voice broke and he shook his head, tightening his hold on Jeno’s wrist. Their hands were brushing against each other enough to make Donghyuck feel tense. "I know you’re lying. What about the flowers? You chose them, right? I know you’re the one who did. Why would you do that?" His voice was starting to shake as well but he had so many questions and Jeno didn’t seem to want to answer any of them. 

"Jeno."

Jeno looked over his shoulder and saw his father waiting for him with Donghyuck’s father by his side, steps away from the two boys. He turned back to the boy holding his wirst and slightly raised it between them.

"Let go."

Donghyuck let go. 

Donghyuck was sitting at the table of the banquet hall, not caring anymore about who sat next to him or not, folding and unfolding his napkin to try and make time go faster before the rest of the guests finally sat down as well and dinner could begin. 

The royal family held a lot of galas lately, which was annoying Donghyuck because it meant he had to put his kind, princely facade on for nights that sometimes dragged on for hours and it was tiring, to pretend everything was fine in the castle. But he was also glad because they were a nice distraction from his thoughts and from everything that was actually wrong in the castle. Also, those days, his parents were nice to him and even though it was only an act, Donghyuck enjoyed the peace. 

Most of the times, Donghyuck didn’t know what the galas were held for, and tonight was no exception. What he did know was that it had been planned for months and lots of people were there, it was the biggest reception the castle had since the one for Jeno’s return, two months before. 

Weeks had passed since their talk and Donghyuck had barely seen the other boy during this time. It seemed like Jeno could choose to just disappear when it was convenient for him. For once, Donghyuck was glad because he didn’t want to see Jeno anyway. The sole silhouette of the older was enough to make him feel a weird pang in his heart. 

Donghyuck still wasn’t ready to give up on Jeno though, their small encounter had affected him, Donghyuck was sure of it. If he could just get to talk to Jeno properly, his facade would maybe finally break apart for real.

  
Donghyuck turned around, unconciously looking for Jeno and it didn’t take more than five seconds to find him. He was standing near the wall, talking to men Donghyuck recognized as his father’s acquaintances. Donghyuck was staring at him and didn’t notice someone sitting down next to him.

"How come you’re always looking at him everytime I see you?"

Donghyuck startled before snapping his head back at the person talking to him. He recognized the sly smile he met a couple months before and sighed. "You've only seen me twice."

"Two times too many." Renjun smirked and Donghyuck had to refrain himself from rolling his eyes. He still felt some sort of warmth settling in his heart after seeing the boy’s playful eyes and sharp tooth. He let his eyes wander on the boy’s face as he grabbed Donghyuck’s napkin and proceeded to criticize his poor folding skills and brag about his own. Renjun’s face was small and delicate, it looked fragile but his features were strong and his gaze was fierce even when he was just looking at a simple napkin.

"You kind of look like him." Donghyuck let the words escape his mouth.

Renjun didn’t even look up and only had a small scoff. "Like Jeno? Please spare me, I’m much prettier."

Donghyuck raised his eyes at the unexpected familiarity. His two short encounters with the Chinese boy were enough to let him know he wasn’t one to follow rules of etiquette thoroughly but he thought that was a bit overboard still. Donghyuck liked it.

"You two know each other?"

"Funny, he asked me the same thing." Renjun twirled the napkin between his fingers, not caring about the confused look on Donghyuck’s face as he tilted his head.

"So you do know each other." Renjun simply hummed by way of answer. "But how?"

The Chinese boy chuckled. "Oh, you know..." He moved his hand around in the air as if that explained anything. Before Donghyuck could ask anything more, Renjun continued. "He pretends he doesn’t like me, though. He’s good at that." He said, setting his eyes straight on Donghyuck this time which made him look away. 

"Yeah, I don’t know if he’s pretending, you sure are annoying." Donghyuck said, a bit too confidently because Renjun’s laughter resonated through the room.

"Don't believe anything Jeno says." He said and Donghyuck locked eyes with him again, looking for answers in his dark pupils but he was only met with the usual spark and Renjun stood up when the bell indicating it was time dinner started rang. "I should go sit with my father." He smiled down at Donghyuck. "But we’ll see each other soon again, don’t think you’re getting rid of me so easily."

And he left as quickly as he came.

Honestly speaking, Donghyuck didn’t really want to get rid of him. Renjun was mysterious and entertaining and the closest to a friend Donghyuck had. 

Even if the boy seemed to like teasing him, Donghyuck enjoyed his company —Renjun was unpredictable unlike absolutely everyone around him. He also seemed to know much more about the time Jeno was away than him which was quite intriguing. Donghyuck didn’t know what was the exact nature of their relationship but according to Renjun’s words, they knew each other quite well. Renjun probably even knew Jeno a lot better than Donghyuck did. Donghyuck’s heart clenched a bit. 

For some reason, whenever Renjun talked to him, Donghyuck just couldn’t seem to say what he wanted to. Last time, he wasn’t able to tell the Chinese boy off because of his alluring personality and just now, Donghyuck felt like Renjun had told him everything he wanted to know in just a few sentences but he was not able to understand anything. Renjun knew how to use his words and Donghyuck was sure he took some malicious delight playing with him.

While engrossed in his thoughts, his eyes searched for Jeno around the table and found him when he was just getting up. Donghyuck furrowed his brows slightly. It was unusual for Jeno or anyone of the royal family to leave during dinner, Donghyuck’s father said they had to be always present for the guests or it would appear extremely rude. 

When Jeno’s back disappeared behind the door, Donghyuck didn’t think twice before excusing himself from the table in a hurry ignoring Mr. Han’s questions to follow Jeno outside.

He caught up to him just before Jeno got to the gardens, at the end of the long corridor lighted up by the moonbeams passing through the huge windows on the left wall. 

"Jeno!"

Jeno stopped in his tracks and slowly turned towards Donghyuck but he didn’t look surprised to see him. It was dark, too dark for Donghyuck to properly see Jeno’s face from where he was, so he took a few steps until he was only meters away from him. He didn’t know what his own face looked like, but Jeno’s was celestial. His pale skin was highlighted by the moonlight almost in a ghostly way, the mole under his right eye made his gaze look even sharper and his long eyelashes were parsemed of stars. 

"Stop following me."

"You don’t mean that."

Jeno didn’t answer.

"Where have you been?" Donghyuck asked, taking a step closer towards the boy.

"This doesn’t concern you." Jeno said, understanding right away what Donghyuck meant, and this time he was looking straight into Donghyuck’s eyes. 

"It doesn’t? You disappeared suddenly, when everything was just fine the day before, and now you come back and act as if nothing ever happened. Why don’t we quit pretending Jeno? We were best friends. No matter how hard you want to forget it, we once were and this isn’t something I can just erase from my memory."

"Nothing was ever fine, Donghyuck." Jeno said in a whisper, so low Donghyuck barely caught it.

"What?"

"I said this is all in the past. Today is the present and things have changed."

Donghyuck didn’t even want to cry anymore. He was just mad at Jeno, mad he kept pushing him away, mad he kept pretending they were never friends. 

Donghyuck was about to snap at him, or maybe just go back into the banquet hall, forget about this conversation and give up on Jeno but he noticed something sparkle under Jeno’s robe. His eyes trailed along Jeno’s neck until they caught what Donghyuck was looking for. Despite the darkness, he managed to make out a thin silver chain and before Jeno could notice his stare, Donghyuck walked the few steps separating them and he reached out to take the chain between his fingers, making the small pendant dangling from it appear.

"That’s..."

Jeno stepped back and when Donghyuck looked at him, for the first time in months, he saw emotions on his face. Jeno’s expression was flustered, his mouth slightly open in surprise and his eyes shaking in discomposure looking at Donghyuck. 

In that moment, Donghyuck saw a glimpse of the Jeno he once knew. 

"Open it." Donghyuck whispered. Jeno averted his eyes so Donghyuck’s gaze trailed down his sleeves until he saw Jeno’s fists, clenched.

None of them moved for a few seconds. Donghyuck could have just opened the pendant himself, put an end to this and check if the old Jeno was still there like he thought or if he really had become that stranger , but Jeno’s reaction was enough. He let go of the pendant and the metal dropped on Jeno’s chest without a sound.

"I miss you, Jeno."

Donghyuck took a step back, glancing one last time at Jeno’s figure, before he turned his back to him and went back to the banquet hall.

Jeno didn’t come back before thirty minutes after. He didn’t look at Donghyuck.

Indeed, Donghyuck saw Renjun soon again.

"What do you mean Renjun is going to live here for the time being?"

Donghyuck was standing in front of his instructor, who was sitting by the window and leafing through some old handwritten book. 

They were both in the calligraphy room even though it was not time for Donghyuck’s daily lesson because Donghyuck liked this place better than the castle. It was small, warm and also far, far away from everything that bothered him at the moment which would usually mean his parents or Jeno but that day, the bother was embodied by the mysterious Chinese boy Donghyuck had only met twice and who was now supposed to live with them. 

"Mr. Huang will soon be over with his schooling which is why his father judged it would be a great idea to send him to Korea for a few months to complete his learning and since he is close friends with His Majesty the King, they naturally agreed that he should stay here." Mr. Han answered, not even looking up from the page he was attentively reading.

Donghyuck scoffed. "And did no one think I should have been informed?"

"You know how your parents are." The old man finally looked at Donghyuck with an apologetic smile, the one he automatically had everytime his parents’ behaviour was brought up. "I would have mentionned it to you, but I didn’t know you were acquainted with the young man, hence why I haven’t."

Donghyuck sighed. He knew Mr. Han wasn’t at fault and it was unfair to take out his anger on him but he was just baffled at how nobody thought they should let him know a whole other person was going to live with them and he had to find out by himself. 

Donghyuck saw Renjun when he was on his way to the library of the first floor. It was a small room and there was usually no one there so Donghyuck liked to hang out between the dusty bookshelves and avoid his responsabilites for a while.

When he was about to turn the corner, he caught sight of Jeno’s father from behind, talking to his son, which wasn’t unusual, they had been talking together a lot about God knows what ever since Jeno got back, but when Donghyuck took a step closer, he noticed another figure next to the prince and his eyes widened when he recognized the sharp tooth and sly eyes. 

Thankfully, none of them saw him because Donghyuck did what he always did, he ran away and went to the calligraphy room where he knew he’d find his preceptor since the man enjoyed the place just as much as Donghyuck.

Mr. Han seemed to notice how troubled he was because he closed his book and sighed, a sign he was looking for his words.

"Donghyuck, this could actually be a great experience. You could try to get to know him and make a friend."

  
Donghyuck thought about it, he really did. From the couple of encounters he'd had with Renjun, although the boy spent the whole conversation annoying him, Donghyuck sensed something fascinating about him, something that grabbed his attention. 

And it was true Donghyuck was sick of being alone. He had Jeno when he was little but he was now out of the question. He also had Mr. Han, but after spending his whole life with a man even older than his father, Donghyuck could use a friend.

That was the idea until he actually crossed paths with Renjun, not before three days after he first saw him, which wasn’t that surprising anymore to Donghyuck, considering he had managed to not see Jeno for years.

Donghyuck was walking down the alleys of the gardens alone, but the walk wasn’t really as pleasant as it was the previous months since all the leaves had fallen from the trees and there were only a few flowers left here and there. The colors were nice, though, a wide palette of orange and yellow hues that Donghyuck enjoyed enough to still take his usual walk everyday. 

As he was staring at a weird tree trunk while frowning, he heard a voice coming closer towards him.

"Well if it isn’t our infamous prince, we finally meet again!"

Donghyuck turned his head from the tree to the voice only to be face to face with a smiling Renjun. 

"What do you mean infa-"

Donghyuck stopped because just behind Renjun was Jeno, his arms crossed behind his back and his uninterested eyes looking at the fountain on his right side. Donghyuck gulped and Renjun smirked.

"Happy to see me?"

"Surprised, mostly." Donghyuck scoffed. "I only found out a few days ago."

Renjun slightly frowned at that but he started talking again before there could be any silence. "Well," He took a step back and put his arm around Jeno’s shoulder almost putting him into a chokehold. Jeno almost gasped because of the unexpected move. "I thought I should come greet you properly and Jeno wanted to come along."

"Yeah, right." Donghyuck quickly dismissed the possibility. "So you two are friends." He eyed Renjun’s arm around Jeno and raised an eyebrow, still wondering where the closeness came from.

"Of course!" Renjun said as if he had not acted all mysterious about the matter a few weeks ago, at the same time Jeno grumbled 'Not at all' while trying to get rid of the Chinese boy’s arm. "You can’t keep saying that, no one believes you anyway." Renjun rolled his eyes.

"How do you even know each other?" Donghyuck finally asked, hoping to get some answers. He had thought about it, and he still didn’t understand how the two could have become friends since Jeno had fell off the face of the earth for years.

"Jeno lived at my house for three years and he still acts like we don’t know each other." Renjun answered, completely unaware of what he just triggered. Or maybe he wasn’t that oblivious, judging by his smirk and his mischievious pupils.

Donghyuck felt a pang in his heart and when he looked over at Jeno, he met his widened eyes. It looked like Jeno didn’t expect Renjun to tell the truth so easily either. Donghyuck stared at him for a second but he quickly recovered and chuckled awkwardly.

"Is that so?"

When Donghyuck was looking at the clouds and stars wondering about Jeno’s whereabouts, when he was praying he was still alive, Jeno was hundreds of miles away in China, with Renjun. 

Donghyuck looked back at Renjun. That was the boy who he now was sure had answers to all of Donghyuck’s questions, the boy who knew everything about Jeno that Donghyuck didn’t, who knew how Jeno became the person he was. And Renjun was just smiling at him.

Donghyuck almost let out a laugh when he realized Renjun had managed to get him and Jeno within meters of each other without arguing or completely ignoring each other. It was all it took. 

His gaze went back and forth between the two boys in front of him. He couldn’t believe Jeno was in front of him, actually aknowledging his presence, almost talking to him, just because of Renjun. That boy was surely something.

"Well, if you’ll excuse me, I-"

"You’re still not going to talk to each other?" Renjun cut Donghyuck off. Donghyuck opened his mouth to say something but closed it back when he realized he had nothing to answer, shocked by Renjun’s boldness and Renjun glared at Jeno while crossing his arms. "Jeno, if you don’t stop being a coward I’ll tell him everything you-"

"Let’s go." Jeno shut him up hastily by grabbing him by the elbow and taking him away from Donghyuck who could only watch them go with a slight frown.

Renjun glanced at him over his shoulder and winked at him. Renjun definitely knew a lot of things, Donghyuck thought. 

That same night, Donghyuck had dinner with Mr. Han in the calligraphy room, taking advantage of his father’s absence who was supposedly over at some friend’s house and would not get back before at least two days, to Donghyuck’s great delight. His father being away meant Donghyuck could walk around without the fear of crossing paths with him which usually only led to the older man giving him an order or scolding him. Worse, sometimes he didn’t even look at him. 

After dinner, Donghyuck spent some time reading any book he could find, often stopping before the fifteenth page to start another one, ocasionally pointing out things to his instructor or making jokes. 

An hour or two passed and night fell around them, forcing Donghyuck to light up a few candles so they wouldn’t completely be in the dark and Mr. Han left to go to bed, not before asking Donghyuck a hundred times if he was good with being alone outside and if he was sure he didn’t want to go back to the castle with him.

When the door finally closed behind the old man and Donghyuck was left alone, he sighed. The silence was enjoyable, but it also left a little too much room for Donghyuck’s thoughts to run freely in his head and everywhere in the room. 

He could almost see Jeno standing next to him, Jeno when they were kids, Jeno when Donghyuck first saw him again after all these years when he got out of that coach, Jeno when he didn’t spare Donghyuck anything but a look of disdain, Jeno when it looked like his marble mask finally broke down a bit. 

Engrossed in his thoughts, Donghyuck barely heard the faint knock on the door. He raised an eyebrow, wondering if Mr. Han had left something even if it was unusual for the man to forget things but he got up anyway.

He opened the door and right in front of him stood Renjun. 

"What are you doing here?" Donghyuck stammered at the unexpected sight. 

"Warm welcome." Renjun answered, forcefully making Donghyuck move aside to let him enter the room.

"Sorry, it’s just I didn’t expect you here. Nobody really ever comes." Donghyuck didn’t even know why he was apologizing, there was just something about Renjun that made him feel like he had to. 

Renjun had that same grin of his on his face when he sat down where Donghyuck was previously sitting and he grabbed one of the numerous books sprawled out on the floor. He flipped through the pages briefly before setting back his eyes on Donghyuck, still standing awkwardly by the door.

"And you, what are you doing here?" He asked what seemed like an innocent question but nothing about Renjun was completely innocent, Donghyuck learnt that quickly.

"Nothing." Renjun’s unwavering stare was enough to let him know he wouldn’t take that as an answer so Donghyuck looked around the room. "Reading, thinking..."

"Thinking?" That got Renjun’s attention and his eyes started shining again. "About what?"

"Why do you always look like you’re scheming something?" Donghyuck crossed his arms on his chest, not really trusting the Chinese boy.

"I’m not though, you’re just over distrustful. Reminds me of him." Renjun didn’t have to say who. 

"How did you even know I was here?" Donghyuck sat next to Renjun, leaning his back on the wall behind them. 

The room suddenly felt a lot warmer but also much smaller than it already was. Brighter too. Donghyuck appreciated all of it. 

"I saw you coming here a few times. I figured it was kind of your escape."

Donghyuck scoffed but he gulped nonetheless. He brought his knees close to his chest and rested the side of his head on them. "I didn’t see you, though."

"There's a lot of things you don't see."

Donghyuck glanced at Renjun whose eyes were busy scanning the room —the bookshelves Donghyuck spent hours browsing through, the flowers in the vases Donghyuck knocked over a few times, the heavy carpets Donghyuck spilled ink on so much he probably wasted litres of it. Renjun seemed carefree but it also seemed like every of his words held a deeper meaning. 

"Is it true you’re almost done with your studies? I heard that’s why you came here. That’s actually pretty impressive, especially for someone like you." Donghyuck mumbled, feeling the tiredness kick in.

"What do you mean someone like me?" Renjun shoved him slightly with his shoulder which made Donghyuck giggle softly. "It’s true, I'll have you know that I’m quite smart, but I didn’t come for that. I mean, that’s what everyone thinks and that’s what my father suggested, yes, but I didn’t agree for that reason. I thought it was troublesome to be honest."

"Why would you come then?" Donghyuck perked up.

"What do you think?" Renjun gazed at Donghyuck, eyes smiling.

Of course. It always came down to Jeno. Even when Donghyuck didn’t want to talk about him, he was always the center of the conversation.

"Jeno’s a brat. Trust me, I know."

Donghyuck’s eyes widened a bit before he let out a small incredulous laugh at Renjun’s harsh words towards his alleged friend. Renjun chuckled too, looking back at his hands resting on his lap.

"But it’s been hard on him. I guess you know about it vaguely, but I don’t think you truly understand it. And I don’t blame it on you because it was wrong of Jeno to completely ignore you without a word of explanation but I think you should really talk to him."

Donghyuck stayed silent. Renjun’s words rang loudly through the small room.

"And if you don’t want to, I hope you would just try to understand him." Donghyuck’s eyes remained on the floor, between his two feet slightly spaced-apart. "But you want to, right?"

Donghyuck nodded quietly. "He’s the one who doesn’t want to talk to me."

Renjun smiled softly. "I know. But I told you he’s a brat right ? I don’t think it’s anything you can’t overcome though."

"What do you mean?" Donghyuck raised his head in order to look at Renjun’s face, who had just risen to his feet. 

The Chinese boy only sent him the usual smirk letting appear his crooked tooth in the corner of his mouth before walking to the door, ending the conversation. 

Just before he stepped out, he turned back towards Donghyuck.

"You should go to his room. It's on the second floor, at the end of the corridor on your right. You may find interesting things."

"What?" Donghyuck stammered but Renjun had already left, leaving him alone with his thoughts once again in the room that now seemed much bigger than it had ever been. 

Donghyuck stared at the closed door illuminated by the light from the candles around the room, he watched as the air accomoded itself back to the usual stillness Renjun bursted through.

He closed his eyes and thought about Renjun’s words. The boy really had a way of piercing through his heart, saying just what he needed to hear. He hated it at the same time because Donghyuck always felt like he was missing something, and he hated feeling stupid. 

What lingered the most in Donghyuck’s mind were Renjun’s last words to him. He never thought about going straight to Jeno. He told himself the opportunity to talk to him never came, but the only thing he had to do was get up and go to him and he couldn’t even do that. He didn’t even know where Jeno’s room was before Renjun told him. He hadn’t done his best like he thought he had, he needed to do more if he wanted explanations. 

Donghyuck stood up and left the room without blowing out the candles.

The walk to Jeno’s room was much quicker than he had wanted to because before he had figured out what he was going to tell the other, Donghyuck was standing in front of what he hoped was Jeno’s room —Renjun could have lied to him, it seemed like his kind to make such jokes. 

Here he was, steps away, moments away from having the talk he had hoped for for months, for years. But for some reason, Donghyuck could not bring himself to knock on the door. Now that he was finally going to get answers, at least he hoped, he suddenly felt scared. That was the closest Donghyuck had ever gotten to the truth and yet, he felt afraid of what Jeno was going to tell him.

The image of Jeno smiling at him when they were kids running in the gardens flashed in his mind, preceding those of Jeno’s troubled face when Donghyuck had raised the pendent between their faces, and of Renjun’s warm smile that weirdly looked like Mr. Han’s whenever he mentionned Jeno. Donghyuck knocked. 

Even if Jeno was going to order him to leave, Donghyuck would have been able to tell himself he did his best this time.

It didn’t take long for Jeno to open the door and Donghyuck didn’t miss the look of shock on the prince’s face. 

"What are you doing here?"

Donghyuck’s eyes trailed down Jeno’s face until they caught sight of the pendant, resting on Jeno’s chest. Jeno noticed Donghyuck’s gaze and immediatly fixed his robe to hide it and also offer a more appropriate appearance. He crossed his arms on his chest.

"Can I come in?" Donghyuck asked and Jeno seemed so surprised at his request, he mindlessly moved aside to let him enter.

Donghyuck stepped in and heard Jeno close the door behind him but he was too busy looking around the room. That was the first time he went into Jeno’s room and it felt like finally entering his world. 

Jeno’s room was not only undoubtedly much bigger than the one he used to stay in when he was a kid, but also a bit bigger than Donghyuck’s. Donghyuck didn’t have the time to feel jealous because there was so much to take in. He remembered Jeno’s old room as a tiny closet with as few furniture as possible: a futon, a table and a chair. Jeno hated his room. But this one looked much more comfortable, there was a real bed and a large table pushed against the wall next to the window, mellow carpets were covering the floor and a couple of paitings were hung on the walls. Above Jeno’s bed was hung a huge map of the country.

"That’s a nice room." Donghyuck said without looking at Jeno still. Jeno was standing awkwardly behind Donghyuck and didn’t answer. "Much nicer than your old one."

"What do you want, Donghyuck?" Jeno clenched his teeth, trying to keep his composure.

Donghyuck gulped when he heard his name come out of Jeno’s mouth, finally. He turned around and locked eyes with Jeno. "Answers."

"There’s still nothing to say."

"You can say that, but I don’t agree." Donghyuck walked to Jeno’s table and eyed the brush laying on it. "And I don’t think you do either."

"What has Renjun told you?" Jeno’s eyes kept still on Donghyuck’s figure, now sat on his knees and playing with the brush. 

Donghyuck chuckled at the situation. "See? Even you know there’s something. There’s something you don’t want me to know, and I don’t get why."

Donghyuck put down the brush back to where it was and his gaze stopped on a paper, sticking out from one of the books on Jeno’s table. He took it absent-mindedly, thinking about what he should say next to make Jeno talk, but the words on the paper caught his attention.

_To Lee Donghyuck, February 14th, 1747_

Jeno snatched it from his hands but it was too late, Donghyuck had read it. He slowly looked up to Jeno and met his eyes, wide, shaking, hopeful Donghyuck didn’t have the time to see those few words. 

He turned his gaze back to the table and took the book from which he had pulled the paper. He flickered through the pages as Jeno could only watch horrified. On top of every page were written Donghyuck’s name as well as dates. A year before, two, five, seven, ten. On the last page used was written 'To Lee Donghyuck still, November 15th, 1749'.

November 15th was the day Renjun moved in the castle. 

Donghyuck looked back at Jeno, confusion obvious on his face. "What is this Jeno?"

Jeno didn’t say anything, only keeping the book —the notebook— close to his chest, as if to protect it. Donghyuck felt himself weaken and he only noticed his heart had started to beat faster and louder when it became the only sound he could hear in the silent room. But he couldn’t back away now, not when Jeno was finally starting to give in.

"What does this mean?" Donghyuck pressured. He stood up and took a step forward, reducing the distance between their two bodies. 

Unconciously, Jeno took a step back and Donghyuck saw him gulp. He pointed at the notebook, firmly held in Jeno’s hands. Upon seeing the lack of answer from Jeno, Donghyuck gulped as well before holding his head up high to try to maintain a composed face. 

"You wrote me letters." Donghyuck wanted to appear confident and made his sentence sound like an affirmative but it remained a question in his heart. Jeno kept silent and Donghyuck took it as a yes. He opened his mouth to say something else but he closed it eventually and placed his fingers on the paper resting on the notebook. Jeno startled but didn’t move back so Donghyuck lowered his voice and asked in a more gently, more delicate way. "Let me."

Jeno still said nothing and didn’t move either when Donghyuck slowly took the paper in his hands to read it.

However, as Donghyuck laid his eyes on the first words, carefully handwritten in black ink, he suddenly felt frozen. Realization that Jeno had written him a letter, several letters even, dawned on him and he couldn't bring himself to let his eyes go past his name and the date. 

So he read his name, over and over again, written in Jeno's handwriting. He didn't know what Jeno's handwriting looked like before, never had he seen his friend write and it didn't even seem like he had brushes or ink in his room.

It was soft. Big, thin, letters that perfectly reflected Jeno. The curve of the 'g' and 'y' of Donghyuck's name went so low they intertwined with the letters below, making it difficult to read. His name was neatly written, pretty and clear letters, while the rest looked like it was written swiftly, as if no thinking was necessary before writing.

_Today is February 14th. Renjun told me it's a day for love, so I decided to write you a letter for the first time in a long time._

Donghyuck raised his gaze towards Jeno, who was watching through the window. He had put the notebook back on the table with a sigh of resignation. He thought it was too late to try to hide anymore as he had been discovered and he was pretending to be looking at something to busy himself as Donghyuck read his heart in front of him.

As much as Donghyuck wanted to, he couldn't keep reading. He knew if he did, one letter wouldn't be enough, he'd have to read another and another until he had read the whole notebook and his heart would be crushed.

Those letters probably had answers of what had happened to Jeno, but Donghyuck wanted to hear it from his friend himself. His friend whose hand was lazily pushing the curtain on the side to allow him to look outside but also whose pupils were shaking and teeth were clenched. 

Donghyuck was watching Jeno's side profile as he searched for what to say, and he knew Jeno could see him as well in the corner of his eye but neither of them moved or said anything for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity or two to Donghyuck until he could not stand it anymore and finally spoke.

"Just how many are there?" He eyed the notebook resting on the table and thought of the dozens of pages filled with words for him he had flipped through. "No, that’s not what I want to know most. Why did you lie?"

"I did no such thing."

Jeno finally spoke. He did not look at Donghyuck yet but Donghyuck could see his gaze hardening and his hand clenching the curtain.

"You did. You ignored me for months and acted like you wanted nothing to do with me anymore." Donghyuck heard his voice waver and thought that wasn’t good. He had to keep composed but it was starting to get difficult. He cleared his throat. "I actually almost believed you, but seeing those," He pointed at the notebook, "I can’t do that anymore."

"You don’t know anything, Donghyuck." Jeno’s eyes moved from the window to Donghyuck’s own and Donghyuck felt almost scared. He had seen Jeno’s eyes glowing from happiness when they were kids, he had seen them veiled with sadness too no matter how hard he wanted to forget this sight, he had seen them shaking with discomposure when he had confronted him, he had seen them unwavering, unemotional the most these past few months. But never in his life had he seen Jeno like that. 

Jeno’s gaze was colder than it had ever been, his eyebrows were slightly frowned and his pupils were so small Donghyuck could barely see them from where he was. Jeno’s eyes looked darker than they usually were, and a lot sharper. He looked like a wolf in the moonlight beaming through the window. Somehow, it was worse than his emotionless gaze, because those eyes scared Donghyuck and made him feel like he really knew nothing of him. 

"That’s not true." Donghyuck shook his head. What he wanted most was to run away from this room at this instant but he knew what Jeno needed most was someone to listen, to support him. Donghyuck had to be that for him. "I may not know your life, but I know you, Jeno." Donghyuck walked slowly to Jeno and the closer he got, the better he could see him. His fists shaking on his sides, his clenched jaw and his wavering eyes. 

"You don’t." Jeno said, but it sounded less convinced than before. Donghyuck smiled sadly. 

"I do. You’re alone, you have no one to talk to even though you have so many things to say, you have the pressure of a whole country on your shoulders even though you’re not even eighteen. And above all, you have the burden of your father who has probably been pressuring you ever since we first met, probably even before. I know you’re strong, but even for you that’s a bit too much, isn’t it?"

Donghyuck saw Jeno’s eyes soften as his lips started to tremble. "You don’t know. You don’t know how hard it is."

"You’re right I don’t." Donghyuck shook his head slightly and even though he would have liked to sound more cheerful, he couldn’t erase the heavyhearted smile on his lips. "But I can try to imagine."

Donghyuck noticed Jeno’s eyes starting to get watery, or maybe it was his own, so he gently placed his hands on Jeno’s cheeks to keep him looking at him. "Because right now, no one can understand you more than I."

Jeno opened his mouth and Donghyuck prepared himself to get another reject but Jeno’s lips were shaking too much so he closed his mouth the same time he closed his eyes and Donghyuck barely had the time to catch a tear running down Jeno’s cheek before he put his forehead on Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

Donghyuck had to refrain himself from crying for Jeno, he had to be the place where Jeno could rest right now, but the tears were hard to stop when the ones Jeno shed on his robe reminded him of the ones he himself had shed for months every single time he thought of him. 

"Sometimes," Jeno’s voice was so quiet and muffled in Donghyuck’s shoulder, Donghyuck could barely hear it. "I wish I was never born."

Donghyuck’s heart stopped. 

For three seconds, Donghyuck couldn’t hear it beat in his chest. 

He had thought about how is life would be if he wasn’t a prince. When they were still kids, Jeno and Donghyuck had talked about it.

"What would you do if you woke up and you were a normal boy?" Donghyuck asked, rolling a flower’s stem between his thumb and his index finger.

Jeno turned his head to Donghyuck but the grass was too high —that was precisely why they had chosen to lay down there— and he could only see his friend’s face through blades of grass and flowers’ stems. They tickled his face so he turned his head back towards the sky as he thought.

"I don’t know. I guess I would have a normal house, and normal friends."

Jeno didn’t see it but he could hear in Donghyuck’s tone that he was rolling his eyes. "Of course, dummy. I mean what’s something you’d want to do that you can’t here?"

"That’s a lot of things." Jeno chuckled but he knew Donghyuck was waiting for a concrete answer. Donghyuck always asked lots of unexpected questions that left Jeno thinking sometimes for long minutes but he liked it. Donghyuck broadened his mind. 

"I’d want to go up the hill we can see when we climb the tree near your window and scream as loud as I can." Donghyuck answered his own question, too impatient to wait for Jeno’s answer. 

"That’s it?" Jeno giggled. "I expected something more dangerous from you."

"I’d want to do normal things with you." Jeno glanced at Donghyuck who was now up on his elbows, looking at the sky. "Have sleepovers at your house, run in the streets with the other kids from the neighborhood, play fight with sticks instead of swords." Donghyuck gazed at Jeno while displaying a bright smile and Jeno almost thought he saw an angel in the afternoon light. "I want to be your friend forever."

"Me too."

They had talked about it hundreds of times, yet they never mentionned not existing at all. Donghyuck had never thought about it, living was a given to him and even if it was hard more often than not, he appreciated life because it still gave him lots of good things —Mr. Han, the autumn colors, calico cats sneaking in the gardens, Renjun, his swordfight teacher, the stars and the moon lighting up his room at night, the old books in the library on the second floor, Jeno. Life gave him Jeno and he could never wish otherwise. 

Seeing Jeno, broken on his shoulder, and hearing him say those words was something he never experienced and he didn’t know how to handle.

"Don’t say that." He wrapped his arms around Jeno’s body that suddenly seemed very frail and rubbed his back mindlessly. "I beg you, don’t say that." Donghyuck knew that was a selfish thing to say, but he had always been a selfish kid, and he could not bear to watch Jeno consider life being so hard to live he didn't want it anymore.

Jeno stayed silent and all that could be heard in the room was both of their sniffing. Donghyuck wanted to say something so badly, he wanted to find the right words to ease Jeno’s heart as well as let him know he understood and didn’t blame him for anything, but he couldn’t. Jeno didn’t seem to mind the silence though, so Donghyuck hoped his presence was enough to let him know he was there. 

"I didn’t avoid you because I hated or forgot you."

Jeno went back to silence and Donghyuck tried to match his breathing to his, waiting for Jeno to go on. But just as it seemed like Jeno had calmed down, he broke away from Donghyuck and when he met his eyes, tears filled his eyes again.

"I'm sick, Donghyuck."

Donghyuck thought he heard his heart fall at his feet and felt the air being sucked out of his lungs. 

"That's the reason I was sent away. The last few days we were together, I was in a terrible state. They thought I was dying." Jeno rubbed his eyes with his palms and chuckled nervously. "The reason I was kept a secret from everyone, away in that little room, why I couldn't go outside... It was all because of my illness. They knew almost nothing about it so they were scared. I would contaminate others, I would get weaker if I went outside..."

Donghyuck felt at a loss for words. Here he was, right in front of his childhood friend who had disappeared ten years prior without a word of explanation, who couldn't live a normal life like him —and Donghyuck simply couldn't say anything.

"I first went to the countryside to be treated by my aunt but after feeling better for a few months I had a relapse and had to go to China. They're renowned for their medicine, especially Renjun's family." Jeno was avoiding Donghyuck's eyes. "They don't know if it's curable, Donghyuck."

A gust of wind knocked on the window and timed the silence between the two of them. The moon suddenly looked far more grim and its reflection in Jeno's eyes seemed to taunt them. 

"You're sick?" Donghyuck could only manage to utter those few words. This went beyond anything he could ever have imagined, it was something he never prepared himself for. Thinking back, everything seemed to make more sense —Jeno's frequent doctor appointments, him abruptly leaving dinners or disappearing for days.

Jeno nodded with a pained smile. It reminded Donghyuck of the one Jeno had more often than not when they were little. It made his heart ache.

"I feel much better now though." Jeno straightened his back, obviously trying to reassure Donghyuck who could do nothing but stare at his friend. "The doctors told me I'll probably heal so I don't want to feel sorry for myself or you worrying about me."

Jeno tried to sound confident but it was evident he didn't believe his own words. 

"Why didn't you tell me then?" Donghyuck whispered.

Jeno's smile faded slowly and clouds filled his eyes.

"I was scared." He spoke in a voice as low as Donghyuck's. It was clear he didn't want to look weak, Donghyuck could see he wanted to keep everything to himself just like he always had —he probably never would have told him any of this if Donghyuck had not come to confront him— but it wasn't Jeno who needed to be the strong one in that moment. It was Donghyuck.

"Of what?" Donghyuck didn't want to hear the answer. But he knew he had to, just as much as Jeno needed to say it.

"I'm scared to die" Jeno said and it seemed like he realized what he had said the same time he said it because he suddenly widened his eyes that were starting to become teary again and gripped the sides of his robe between his hands. "I'm scared to die and to have to leave everything behind."

"You're not going to die." Donghyuck's voice broke and he took Jeno's clenched fist between his hands, making him soften. "We still have to catch up on a decade of being apart, we still have to have fun with Renjun, you still have a kingdom to rule. There is no way you're dying, Jeno. I promise you."

Donghyuck didn't know where he got that confidence from, but he was glad he had it. He actually believed what he was saying, Jeno wasn't going to die. He was the strongest person Donghyuck knew, the one who could overcome anything.

Jeno shook his head before setting his eyes back on Donghyuck.

"Right, that's what I'm saying." He chuckled quietly and Donghyuck smiled at him. "You have to be convinced in order for something to happen. As long as we're aware of that I'll be fine."

Donghyuck vigorously nodded before wiping away the tears he had forgotten he had shed moments ago. There was a silence during which Donghyuck wondered wether he should change the topic, wait for Jeno to say something or leave but he suddenly thought of something.

"Why did you avoid me though? I would have understood if you had told me right away."

Jeno looked away and bit the inside of his cheek as Donghyuck tilted his head, waiting for an answer. No matter how hard he thought about it, he didn't see how explaining now was any different than doing it months before.

"I didn't want to make you go through my death. I thought maybe you had forgotten about me, even just a little, and if I managed to stay away from you you wouldn't feel as hurt." Jeno looked back at Donghyuck who could feel his heart ache again at Jeno's train of thoughts. "Renjun told me it was a stupid idea but I just couldn't bear to inflict you that."

"Renjun was right, it was stupid." Donghyuck replied, ignoring Jeno's complaints about how he wasn't being fair. "Do you have any idea of how hurt I was when you completely ignored me? That was the worst thing you could possibly have done."

Donghyuck felt bad about blaming Jeno that way, especially upon seeing Jeno's regretful eyes, but he could never forget the feeling of being treated like a stranger by him.

"I know. I'm sorry." Jeno whispered. "But I was always thinking of you." Donghyuck's heart skipped a beat. "I never once forgot about you."

"Me neither." Donghyuck smiled, this time a sincere smile out of pure joy that only grew bigger when Jeno returned it.

  
"Did you talk to him?"

Donghyuck almost dropped the book in his hands upon hearing Renjun’s loud voice so close to his ear and he snapped his head at him, ready to scold him. But when he did, he was met with the boy’s crooked smile and shining eyes so he settled on a sigh.

"What’s wrong with you appearing out of nowhere everytime?" He closed his book and put it down on the bench next to him as Renjun sat down on his other side. 

"So did you?" Renjun ignored his question —it wasn’t really one anyway— a hand smoothing the fabric of his robe resting on his knees.

"How did you know?" Donghyuck asked.

"I didn’t. Well, I assumed you had after our talk yesterday night but I wasn’t sure. Jeno’s behavior confirmed it for me, though." Renjun scoffed.

"What do you mean?" Donghyuck raised a brow. He had not seen Jeno since their conversation the night before even though he had wanted to.

After their talk, they had spent some more time catching up and Donghyuck had felt happiness bubble in his chest as he got his best friend back. It was as if they had never left each other while also very different from when they were kids and Donghyuck liked every part of it.

"I saw him this morning. He seemed lighter than usual so I asked him about you and he suddenly became very secretive. I find it incredible how he still thinks he’s a good liar."

Donghyuck felt a blush creep upon his face and he cleared his throat, hoping it would disappear. Renjun was still his sly self though, which meant he obviously noticed and Donghyuck expected a clever or teasing remark but thankfully the Chinese boy remained silent.

"I went to his room yesterday and we talked a bit."

"So everything’s settled?" Renjun leaned in and tilted his head to catch Donghyuck’s eyes staring at a spot on the ground in front of them. 

"I think so." Donghyuck leaned back on the bench and gazed at the sky. He turned to Renjun. "I wanted to thank you."

"What for?" Renjun raised an eyebrow with a slight smirk on his face.

"For helping me, but most of all for being there for him all this time and helping him become the person he is. I don't think he could have done it without you."

Renjun glanced at Donghyuck and he took a second before answering. "Maybe. But in that case you're to thank as well."

"What do you mean?" Donghyuck frowned.

"I only helped Jeno grow without letting everything get to his head." Renjun stared at a point, far away, maybe even farther than what could be seen with the bare eye. "But you shaped him."

Renjun's eyes looked soft as he talked, as if Jeno was right in front of him. Donghyuck could only imagine what memory Renjun was looking back on, but it was probably something beautiful.

"But you know, I think Jeno did that himself." Renjun turned his head to Donghyuck and met his curious gaze. "He really grew up well." Donghyuck nodded. "Also I do not want to be held responsible for his bratty attitude." Renjun added with a click of the tongue which made Donghyuck chuckle. 

Renjun was right, though. Jeno did all that by himself, with only slight pushes here and there from Donghyuck and Renjun. 

"Have you read the letters?"

Donghyuck snapped his head towards Renjun who was already looking at him, a sly grin on his face. Donghyuck didn't know Renjun was aware of that and suddenly felt kind of embarassed, especially since the young man was so good at teasing him.

"I haven't." Donghyuck finally answered after regaining his composure.

When going to his room, Donghyuck had noticed he had kept the letter he was holding onto before but still couldn't bring himself to read it, so he had put it away in his robe.

"You should." Surprisingly, Renjun didn't sound teasing but rather kind which made Donghyuck even more curious about the content of said letters.

Before Donghyuck could ask more, Renjun started going on a rant about some boring class he had to have the other day, during which Donghyuck's eyes caught a familiar silhouette walking down the alleys of the gardens.

Jeno looked stunning under the sunlight that enhanced the golden details on his light blue robe and made his porcelain skin look healthier. Next to him was his father, talking to him about some serious topic judging from the look on his face, but that wasn't really anything to go by considering the King always had the same kind of severe expression on. 

Donghyuck noticed something was wrong though when the two men stopped in their tracks. Jeno's back was facing him so Donghyuck could not see his friend's face but it looked like he was getting pretty worked up —at least as much as he could afford to— however the conversation was cut short by a single gesture from the King, followed by a short sentence and his leave. 

Donghyuck frowned. Jeno looked quite upset over there.

"Could you at least pretend to be listening to me?"

Donghyuck snapped out of his thoughts when Renjun called him out and he didn't have the time to find himself excuses because Renjun was as sharp as usual and quickly noticed what was drawing Donghyuck's attention.

"Why does he look so upset?" Renjun asked.

"I don't know. He was talking with his father and then it seemed like they had a small argument and the King left." Donghyuck shrugged.

Before Renjun could reply anything, Jeno suddenly turned around, as if he had heard them and stared straight into Donghyuck's eyes. Donghyuck gulped in surprise but when Jeno recognized him, his whole face lighted up and he broke into a smile.

When he was in front of them, Jeno still had the same smile on his face. 

"Good afternoon."

Donghyuck's heart swelled at the sound of Jeno's voice.

"What happened with your father?" Renjun asked, straightforward.

Jeno suddenly looked nervous which neither Renjun nor Donghyuck missed —Jeno really was bad at lying— but he dismissed the subject with a gesture of his hand in the air and for some reason, none of them wanted to press the matter. 

It wasn't long until they found out what the argument was about. 

A week after, as they were all having dinner together —which was a first in weeks— Jeno's father took advantage of the rare opportunity to announce something it seemed like had been planned for months but nobody expected.

"It is time Jeno gets married."

Renjun almost choked on his water next to Donghyuck and Donghyuck stilled. He raised his head to look at Jeno, right in front of him, but he didn't look any more surprised than his parents. However, while Donghyuck's parents looked delighted and Jeno's father extremely serious, Jeno had a glum look on his face, and he did not look up from his plate, staring at his barely touched fish instead. 

Donghyuck glanced at Renjun who had the same alarmed look as him on his face, not expecting this in the least. Renjun never seemed surprised, it was as if he was always one step ahead, but that, he could never have imagined.

Seeing the lack of response, the King continued.

"I thought of the daughter of the Lord reigning over the lands my sister lives in but I still have to discuss some things with their family, thus, a gala will be held in a month or so to bring our families closer."

Donghyuck felt baffled at the sudden announcement but he also felt a weird twist in his heart, that he couldn't explain. 

Soon enough, Donghyuck's mother started showering Jeno's father with questions which busied the Royal couple enough that they couldn't pay attention to the other side of the table and when Donghyuck looked over to Jeno once again, this time he was also looking at him, with eyes that made Donghyuck's heart ache even more. 

The following month was a quite one, 'the calm before the storm' Renjun called it. The three of them spent some time together, and Donghyuck felt thrilled. He couldn't seem to get enough of it, he had gotten his best friend back but also gotten a new friend and it was such a breath of fresh air.

However, they couldn't spend as much time together as they'd wish, because every single time Jeno was with them, he was called upon by his father, or his mother. Jeno never told them what it was about, but both Donghyuck and Renjun knew it was about his future marriage. 

They hadn't talked about it, at least not the three of them and neither had Donghyuck talked to Jeno about it alone. It was a possibility that Renjun and Jeno had talked about it, but none of them ever said anything. It was as if neither of them dared mention it, as if not talking about it would make it not happen. 

But sooner than they had wished, the day of the reception had come and everything was on the verge of becoming real. 

  
Donghyuck would have said Jeno looked unconcerned a few months ago, but now he could see Jeno's shaking hands and nervous smile as he greeted the family of his future wife. 

They weren't the only ones invited, so it wasn't so much of an official meeting, but still, everyone knew what the gala was held for and all eyes were on Jeno and the daughter of the Lord. 

Donghyuck and Renjun were watching from afar, leaning on the wall near the windows as Donghyuck was used to and both of them were silent until Renjun decided to speak up.

"Shouldn't you go greet them as well?"

Donghyuck scoffed. He pointed at his parents with his chin, happily talking with the Lord. "Nobody cares if I'm here or not. Maybe they'll scold me later when they realize I wasn't with them but the only thing they mind is their own image. The Lord and his daughter too, they're only here for Jeno."

Renjun casted a side glance at Donghyuck but didn't say anything. Donghyuck didn't need him to, there was nothing to say.

He watched as Jeno talked with Miyoung. That was the name of Jeno's future wife, the only information Donghyuck had been able to get from the conversations he'd heard the past month. 

Miyoung was a pretty girl that suited her name, 'Everlasting Beauty', and she actually looked nice. At least from what Donghyuck could see, from the other side of the room. She was small, a lot shorter than Jeno and probably even smaller than Renjun, but she had an inexplicable aura of grace and brightness that gave her greater presence than most of the other people in the room.

Donghyuck felt his heart sank as he watched Jeno smile at her. 

He did not know why but the past month, more than just shock, he had felt a weird thing creep into his throat everytime his parents mentionned Jeno's engagement. He couldn't quite put a finger on it but he thought it was probably because of how unfair it all was.

Despite not having talked about it with him, it was obvious Jeno wasn't fond of the idea of getting married, no matter what the reason behind that was. He probably had been told ever since he was young that he'd have to marry, but it was all happening too fast and too soon, there was no way Jeno was ready for it. Donghyuck sure wasn't. 

Renjun sighed next to Donghyuck which made him come back to reality. He eyed his friend with curiousity but Renjun did not say anything, settling on straying from the wall with a 'See you later' directed at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck frowned at that, and even more when he noticed Renjun was walking straight to Jeno even though he was still talking with Miyoung but before Donghyuck could react, Mr. Han was by his side.

"Is everything alright?"

Donghyuck tilted his head at his preceptor. The sudden question was quite unexpected, especially coming from the old man at such a time. Donghyuck looked at his insructor's face. Thinking about it, it had been quite a while since he last had a real conversation with him other than during classes, because of all the time he had been spending with Jeno and Renjun.

Suddenly, Mr. Han looked older, more tired.

"Of course. What about you?"

Mr. Han only smiled at him before gazing back at the royal family in the middle of the room.

"I see you've gotten quite close with Mr. Renjun and His Royal Highness." Donghyuck didn't say anyhting. "You must know now."

Donghyuck glanced at his preceptor at these words and couldn't help but notice the wrinkles on his face, the ones he had gotten over worrying for Donghyuck all those years. 

"Yes." Donghyuck nodded. "Thank you again, for not telling anyone."

Donghyuck thought of all the times Mr. Han caught them running in the gardens together, he thought of the first time it happened. He was a gentle man who would risk losing his job for the happiness of two little kids.

"It was only fair. You were never as happy as when you were with His Royal Highness, and from what I know, neither was He. I think it is still the case today." Mr. Han smiled at Donghyuck and before Donghyuck could answer, someone called the old man over and he left Donghyuck alone.

  
Later that night, Renjun came to Donghyuck asking he went to his room to get a book for him as he was talking about it with the Lord's wife and wanted to show her something. Donghyuck complained but the Lady was watching them and Donghyuck had to be his courteous self in front of guests so he agreed without forgetting to elbow Renjun in the ribs before leaving.

Once he was in the corridor, he felt taken aback by the sudden silence. He could still hear the noise coming from the banquet hall but everything was muffled by the thick walls and the atmosphere felt much calmer there. Also, the moonlight beaming through the windows was as smoothing as always.

He made his way through the corridors and when just as he was about to go up the stairs leading to Renjun's room, he noticed a figure almost hiding in the dark. He startled, surprised by the unexpected silhouette and squinted his eyes to try and recognize who it belonged to.

When he got a bit closer, he noticed the shiny gold details he knew so well and he felt his heartbeat calm down.

"What are you doing here?"

It was Jeno's turn to startle, Donghyuck's voice a sudden wave of noise in the silent corridor but when he crossed eyes with Donghyuck, he smiled.

"I had a coughing fit so I had to get away." He answered once Donghyuck was next to him.

Donghyuck had to learn not to get worried whenever Jeno did as much as cough or sneeze at the beginning. He could not help but immediatly run to Jeno's side without thinking, scared about his health. After a lot of false alarms and a lot of convincing from both Renjun and Jeno that he wasn't dying just with a little cough, Donghyuck had eventually stopped worrying and accommodated himself to it.

"How are you?" Donghyuck asked.

"Well, as you can see I'm not coughing anymore so-"

"I'm not talking about that." Donghyuck interrupted him with a scoff. "How are you feeling about all this?"

This time, Jeno was not so quick to answer. He sighed quietly and looked at the floor, thinking about what to say, or maybe about what he was feeling.

"I don't know. It's all too much, too fast." He finally said.

Donghyuck nodded. He didn't know what else to add, he somehow felt like no matter what he said it would not comfort Jeno, or himself.

"Miyoung looks nice."

Jeno didn't answer to that which made Donghyuck glance at him. He was taken aback when he saw Jeno was already looking at him, his eyes more serious than they ever had been. Donghyuck felt uneasy under that stare, he didn't know what he was supposed to do or say.

"Remember the tiny blue flower you gave me when we were kids?" Jeno suddenly asked, completely changing the topic.

"Of course." Donghyuck answered, unable to look away from Jeno.

Jeno then took his pendant resting on his chest from under his robe and the metal shined under the moonlight. He slowly opened it with gentle fingers and Donghyuck clenched his teeth when he finally saw the withered flower resting in it.

"They're called Forget-Me-Not." Jeno said while softly gazing at the little petals. "They represent a connection that lasts through time. Reminders of your favorite memories of time together with another person."

Donghyuck didn't dare let his eyes leave the flower to look at Jeno who was speaking in a quiet voice, as if afraid he'd be heard by Donghyuck himself.

"A true and undying love."

Donghyuck gulped and finally allowed his eyes to meet Jeno's who always seemed to be a step ahead of him now. Jeno's gaze looked different than any of the times Donghyuck ever looked in his eyes.

It was filled with such gentle feelings Donghyuck felt overwhelmed, it suddenly felt too intense for him and he now realized how close they were standing. Donghyuck felt the same twist in his heart he often felt with Jeno and he couldn't register himself breathing anymore.

"That's nice." Donghyuck stuttered. "Suits us." He breathed out.

"Have you read it?" Jeno closed his pendant but let it fall on his robe without hiding it underneath where he usually kept it. Seeing Donghyuck's frown, he added. "My letter. I know you kept it."

Donghyuck suddenly felt his face become a lot hotter in the span of only two seconds and started stammering, looking for excuses.

"It wasn't on purpose, I only noticed when I was in my room and by then-"

"Have you?" Jeno cut him off. 

Donghyuck glanced at him and was surprised to see his earnest expression. It wasn't like Jeno to be so serious which made Donghyuck feel like he was missing something.

"I haven't." 

"Do you have it with you?" Jeno asked and it sounded so certain, it was as if he knew Donghyuck would nod and take it from his pocket. "Read it, please."

Jeno now sounded pleading, almost desperate so Donghyuck unfolded the thin paper and breathed in before finally reading the letter he had avoided for months now.

_To Lee Donghyuck, February 14th, 1747_

_Today is February 14th. Renjun told me it's a day for love, so I decided to write you a letter for the first time in a long time._

_To be honest I was trying to forget you, which is why I haven't written in such a long time. I don't know when I'll see you again and if I'll even be able to speak to you then and it hurts a lot. I wanted to forget you so my heart would stop aching everytime I watch the moon and remember the nights I fell asleep with your image in my mind._

_But of course it didn't work. You seem to follow me everywhere I go. I hear your laugh in the chiming bells, I feel your warmth in the summer sunrays, I see your eyes in the flowers._

_The worst thing is I don't know if you think about me too. If you too wonder I've gone, ask the stars about my whereabouts, pray for my wellbeing or if you just remember me as your old friend who one day left as quickly as he came._

_As I write this letter, Renjun is trying to read over my shoulder, he's really annoying. I never told him about you but I think he knows anyway. He thinks I'm writing to my lover. Maybe he's right._

_When I asked him what love is exactly, he told me it's when you care about someone more than about yourself, when you feel like your better self with them, when you think time could stop right this instant and you'd be satisfied._

_If he's right, I think I love you. I loved you every second we spent together and as of today, February 14th 1747, I still love you._

_You were and will always be my best friend._

_I love you._

  
_Jeno_

Donghyuck, despite having finished to read the letter, kept his eyes set on the letter. He couldn't bring himself to raise them, to meet Jeno's gaze whose he knew was directed straight at him, waiting for Donghyuck to look at him.

With every word, Donghyuck had felt his heart get a bit bigger until it finally exploded as he had read the final words. He gulped as he thought about the dozens of other letters resting in Jeno's notebook, filled with Jeno's feelings and thoughts over the years. 

Every word was carefully chosen, fitting perfectly with one another to make beautiful, harrowing sentences that each pierced Donghyuck’s heart but also left him yearning for more. 

"Donghyuck."

The corridor was so quiet only the sound of their heavy breathing could be heard. They were far from the hall with everyone else that would probably start to wonder where they —at least Jeno— went soon.

Donghyuck slowly lifted his head until he could look properly at Jeno. His eyes were shiny, even in such a dark place, it made Donghyuck's heart hurt. 

"I love you."

Time seemed to stop for a split second as well as Donghyuck's heart and the only thing he could see was Jeno. Jeno had just pronounced those words, staring straight into Donghyuck's eyes.

Donghyuck had a weird feeling in his chest, his heart couldn't choose between stopping, accelerating, clenching and exploding. He looked into Jeno's eyes, trying to find an explanation but realized there was nothing to explain.

"Am I understanding this right?" Donghyuck cleared his throat, trying to make his heart feel like a heart again.

"I don't know. What are you understanding?" 

"That you love me." Donghyuck's voice was nothing more than a squeak.

"That's all there is to know." Jeno smiled softly. 

Jeno looked gentle and it made Donghyuck want to cry. Jeno had always been this gentle boy who was careful not to step on flowers, who was afraid of frogs but didn't want to scare them away anyway and who touched everything as if it was special and delicate.

Donghyuck thought about the little boy he met all those years ago, with scared eyes and trembling hands. He thought of Jeno's laugh as he watched Donghyuck make dragonflies fly away and his smile when he basked into the sun. 

He thought of Jeno ignoring him and lying he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He thought of the heartbreak, the tears on the verge of rolling down his cheeks.

He thought of Jeno opening up to him and the relief he had felt when discovering Jeno was still Jeno. He thought of the twists of his heart whenever Jeno sent a smile his way.

"I love you too." Donghyuck said in a whisper. "You know I do and always have."

Donghyuck loved Jeno. He loved every bit of him.

"Love is when you care about someone more than about yourself. When you feel like your better self with them. When you think time could stop right this instant and you'd be satisfied." Donghyuck repeated Renjun's words. "He was right. That's all I feel about you."

The moon shifted outside and illuminated Jeno with its light. Donghyuck thought he looked gorgeous.

Eventually, Jeno didn't have to marry.

Winter passed and snow covered the castle and its gardens with a thin white coat. The hill too, was now all white and looked like a big cloud that had fallen a bit lower than its friends.

Before they could even know it, spring was back with its blooming flowers, its vivid colors and its chirping birds. Everything seemed more lively and happy, children's laughs could almost be heard from the streets of the town far, far away from the castle. 

Renjun went back to China the first day snow melted, finally done with his schooling, without forgetting to promise he'd be back sooner than they thought.

With Renjun's departure, the castle sure was quieter, more empty.

Donghyuck was walking down the alleys of the gardens, letting the sunrays hit his face and carefully avoiding the tiny flowers starting to grow in the grass so he wouldn't step on them. He knew where he was going to and he knew the way by heart but he wanted to take his time. He didn't know when he'd go back again.

Once he reached the bench, he stopped in his tracks. He watched the arcs covered in roses and azaleas, the white bench whose color was fading away, the green shrubberies. He eyed the concrete slabs forming a circle in the middle before quickly looking away and sitting on the bench.

He closed his eyes for a second before finally taking the thin paper from out of his pocket. He carefully unfolded it and gently smoothed it with his hand, fondly looking at the drops of ink.

He looked up to the sky, let the sun blind him as he breathed in and out. When he lowered his head, his eyes were on the first words and it was too late to stop.

_To Lee Donghyuck, February 13th, 1750_

_It's a cold day. I'm kind of sad we never got to spend a winter together, I would have liked to play in the snow with you._

_It's taking me the last bit of strength I have to sit down and write you this, but I feel like if I don't do it now, I might never be able to._

_First, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for promising myself I wouldn't make you go through this, and yet here we are. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. I truly didn't intend to._

_But you should never believe you're alone down there, Donghyuck. I might be a little far, but you've done it all those years withtout me, right? You can do it, right? Also, you now have Renjun. I know he'll be there for you but please be there for him as well, he may pretend he's tough but he's really not that much._

_I wish I could have seen another spring. Spring always was my favorite season because for me, spring was you. The birds singing in the trees, the frogs croaking as they chase dragondflies and jump on water lilies, the warm sunrays I always loved feeling on my skin, the cherry blossoms flying in my room, the Forget-Me-Not. I really wish I could have seen those again._

_Even though I know it hurts you to see me like that, I'm so happy you come see me everyday. I'm sorry for being so selfish. But everytime you come, I get to look at your face one more time and that way I can burn it in my mind and I'll be sure to remember it wherever I go._

_I don't want you to be sad. I hope you can go on and live a happy life, without me. I would have loved to live it with you too but since I can't, be happy. Find happiness for you, and for me as well._

_I love you Donghyuck. I've always had and I always will. I know it's the same for you and I'll eternally be grateful for that. Remember I'm always with you. You may feel like I'm not sometimes, but I am. Whenever you're sad, I'll hug you. Whenever you're happy, I'll smile with you. Never doubt it._

_Remember when you asked me what I'd do if I had a normal life? You never gave me a chance to answer. If I didn't have this life, I'd spend it with you. If we weren't who we were, if we didn't live in this world, if I didn't have such a fate, I'd spend my whole life by your side loving you._

_With you, my heart isn't a heart anymore. It is an explosion of thousands of tiny red pieces that scatter on the floor. You pick them up one by one everytime._

_I think it's time for me to go. I'm thankful I have met you. You saved me. I'm sorry for wasting so much time we could have spent together. Please be happy._

_I'll never forget you._

_I love you forever,_

_Your true and undying love,_

_Jeno_

Jeno died on February 14th, 1750. It was as if the universe was making fun of them. 

He fell seriously ill only days after they confessed their feelings to each other, as if Jeno was only waiting for Donghyuck's heart to go.

Donghyuck noticed little darker spots on the letter, as if someone had shed tears on it, and closed his eyes firmly. Maybe if he tried hard enough, when he'd open them, Jeno would be right in front of him with his usual bright smile that made Donghyuck feel like flowers were blooming in his chest.

But when he opened his eyes, there was nothing but the same shrubberies as there were when he sat down.

Donghyuck slipped the letter back in his pocket but his fingers brushed against something which made him frown. He wrapped them against the object and when he took it out he immediatly felt chocked up. 

He raised the pendant in front of his face to see it better under the sunlight and watched it gently sway from left to right. 

He opened it and stared at the tiny petals, identical to how they were a few months ago when Jeno showed it to him. 

"I see your eyes in the flowers." Donghyuck whispered.

Forget-Me-Not mean a connection that lasts through time. Reminders of your favorite memories together with another person. Remembrance during partings or after death.

A true and undying love.

**Author's Note:**

> : D im so sorry i made myself go through so much pain too for that idk why i made it a sad ending but you know ;D (i thought about writing the scene on february 14th when hyuck goes to jeno's room, happy about the idea of!!! the day dedicated to love!!! and he discovers that...yk but it was too much. im about to cry as i type this)


End file.
